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Cool Quotes - H

Habeas Corpus

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion the public safety may require it.
Constitution of the United States, Art. 1


The nature of men is always the same; it is their habits that separate them.

Nothing is more powerful than habit.

Habit makes the custom.

Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,—
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.
John Dryden, Tr. of Ovid

Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."
George Crabbe

For the ordinary business of life an ounce of habit is worth a pound of intellect.
Thomas B. Reed

Man is an animal of habit. (Der Mensch ist ein Gewohnheitstier.)
German Proverb

Habits are at first cobwebs, then cables.
Spanish Proverb


Half the truth is often a great lie.
Benjamin Franklin


Hanging and wiving go by destiny.

There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws, would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.
Michel de Montaigne

I went out to Charing Cross to see Major General Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could do in that condition.
Samuel Pepys

This will surely be a lesson to me.
Speech of a Tennessee Negro on the gallows


Coming down with something? Please. You reek of booze and bullshit. Don't lie to a Kentuckian about drinking or horses, son.
Samuel Halpern

I tried to lift my head and winced. It was full of whiskey and regret.
Dan Dunn


Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.
Bertrand Russell

We are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?
Charles M. Schulz

Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.
Albert Schweitzer

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Agnes Repplier

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
Anne Frank

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happy is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Laurence J. Peter

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
H. L. Mencken

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness … I was right.
Gahan Wilson

Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
Rex Reed

Boethius might have been styled happy, if that precarious epithet could be safely applied before the last term of the life of man.
Edward Gibbon

There is no device whatever to be invented for securing happiness without industry, economy, and virtue.
William Graham Sumner

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
Bertrand Russell

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy—I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
Bertrand Russell

The only happy people I know are people I don't know well.
Helen Telushkin

Happiness is a serious problem.
Dennis Prager, title of his book on happiness

But man is not born for happiness.
Samuel Johnson

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
Martha Washington

Very little is needed to make a happy life.
Marcus Aurelius

But, O! how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes!

We are in danger from whatever can get possession of our thoughts; all that can excite in us either pain or pleasure, has a tendency to obstruct the way that leads to happiness, and either to turn us aside, or retard our progress.
Samuel Johnson

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, traveling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abscesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say "yes."
Terry Pratchett

Human felicity is produced not so much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by little advantages that occur every day.
Benjamin Franklin

Who save the gods can be happy all life long?

No man is happy unless he believes he is.
Publilius Syrus

I have now reigned about fifty years in victory or peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to fourteen.
Ascribed to Abd al-Rahman III of Spain

We never enjoy perfect happiness; our most fortunate successes are mingled with sadness; some anxieties always perplex the reality of our satisfaction.
Pierre Corneille

He that talks much of his happiness summons grief.
George Herbert

The happiness or unhappiness of men depends no less upon their dispositions than on their fortunes.
La Rochefoucauld

The past and present are only our means; the future is always our end. Thus we never really live, but only hope to live. Always looking forward to being happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.
Blaise Pascal

Unbroken happiness is a bore: it should have ups and downs.
J. B. Molière

Happy the man who, unknown to the world, lives content with himself in some retired nook, whom the love of this nothing called fame has never intoxicated with its vain smoke; who makes all his pleasure dependent on his liberty of action, and gives an account of his leisure to no one but himself.
Nicolas Boileau

Every period of life is obliged to borrow its happiness from the time to come. In youth we have nothing past to entertain us, and in age we derive little from retrospect but hope- less sorrow.
Samuel Johnson

I firmly believe, notwithstanding all our complaints, that almost every person upon earth tastes upon the totality more happiness than misery.
Horace Walpole

It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, which give happiness.
Thomas Jefferson

Mark Antony sought for happiness in love; Brutus in glory; Caesar in dominion: the first found disgrace, the second disgust, the last ingratitude, and each destruction.
C. C. Colton

Man is the artificer of his own happiness.
H. D. Thoreau

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.
Sydney Smith

Man is never happy, but spends his whole life. in striving after something which he thinks will make him so; he seldom attains his goal, and when he does, it is only to be disappointed; he is mostly shipwrecked in the end, and comes into harbor with masts and rigging gone.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Unquestionably, it is possible to do without happiness; it is done involuntarily by nineteen-twentieths of mankind.
J. S. Mill

What right have we to happiness?
Henrik Ibsen

Much happiness is overlooked because it doesn't cost anything.
Author unidentified

Once in every man's life happiness passes him by.
German Proverb

Looking for happiness is like clutching the shadow or chasing the wind.
Japanese Proverb

There are three sureties of happiness: good habits, amiability, and forbearance.
Welsh Proverb

The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a human heart. One must imagine that Sisyphus is happy. (La lutte elle-même vers les sommets suffit à remplir un coeur d'homme. Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux.)
Albert Camus

But to hope happiness and immortality is equally vain. Our state may indeed be more or less embittered as our duration may be more or less contracted; yet the utmost felicity which we can ever attain will be little better than alleviation of misery, and we shall always feel more pain from our wants than pleasure from our enjoyments.
Samuel Johnson

It is not possible to secure instant or permanent happiness but by the forbearance of some immediate gratification.
Samuel Johnson

But how many things are necessary to happiness which money cannot obtain!
Samuel Johnson

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Every period of life is obliged to borrow its happiness from the time to come.
Samuel Johnson

There is no greater pain than to remember a happy time when one is in misery.

(… Nessun maggior dolore,
Che ricordarsi del tempo felice
Nella miseria

Dante Alighieri

The two foes of human happiness are pain and boredom.
Arthur Schopenhauer

There are few things which can much conduce to happiness, and, therefore, few things to be ardently desired.
Samuel Johnson

For all the happiness mankind can gain
Is not in pleasure, but in rest from pain.
John Dryden

Happiness is often presented as being very dull but, he thought, lying awake, that is because dull people are sometimes very happy and intelligent people can and do go around making themselves and everyone else miserable. He had never found happiness dull.
Ernest Hemingway

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
Ernest Hemingway

Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.
John Stuart Mill

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
Robert Frost

In both adults and children, one can either pursue excitement or pursue happiness, but one cannot do both. If you pursue excitement, you will not attain happiness. If you pursue happiness, you will still experience some moments of excitement, but you will attain happiness only if happiness, not excitement, is your goal.
Dennis Prager


Is anything too hard for the Lord?
Genesis 18:14

Things hard to come by are much esteemed. (Quae rarissima carissima.)
Latin Proverb


The harlot knows not how to love but only to ensnare; her kiss hath poison, and her mouth a pernicious drug.
St. John Chrysostom

Samson with his strong body had a weak head, or he would not have laid it in a harlot's lap.
Benjamin Franklin


The number of people who can do us good is very small; but almost anyone can do us harm.
Baltasar Gracian


I take pleasure in three things, and they are beautiful in the sight of God and of mortals: agreement among brothers and sisters, friendship among neighbors, and a wife and a husband who live in harmony.
Ecclesiasticus 25:1


The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.
Matthew 9:37


Haste is of the Devil; God works slowly.
Persian Proverb

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
John Wooden

Haste makes waste.
Author unidentified

Make haste slowly. (Festina lente.)
Latin Proverb, borrowed from the Greek

What is done hastily cannot be done prudently.
Publilius Syrus

Marry in haste and repent at leisure.
John Ray

Fraud and deceit are always in haste.
H. G. Bohn

Haste and anger hide gude counsel.
Scottish Proverb


A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
P. J. O'Rourke


Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
Eric Hoffer

We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right.
Don Lemon

Take care that no one hate you justly.
Publilius Syrus

Let them hate, so long as they fear. (Oderint dum metuant.)
Caligula (Ascribed)

All men naturally hate each other.
Blaise Pascal

What so great misery as to be hated, and to know that we deserve to be hated?
Adam Smith

Men hate more steadily than they love.
Samuel Johnson

Hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

We must hate—hatred is the basis of Communism. Children must be taught to hate their parents if they are not Communists.
Nikolai Lenin

I hate nobody except Hitler—and that is professional.
Winston Churchill

Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control.
Arthur Schopenhauer


Headmasters have powers at their disposal with which Prime Ministers have never yet been invested.
Winston Churchill


Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.

If a man thinks about his physical or moral state, he nearly always discovers that he is ill.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.
Paul Dudley White

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
George Dennison Prentice

I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
Harvey Danger

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

Nearly all men die of their medicines, and not of their illnesses.

Sugar and alcohol are sweet poisons.
Author unidentified

"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
Author unidentified

Leave the table hungry.
Leave the bed sleepy.
Leave the table thirsty.
Irish Recipe for Longevity, Author unidentified

Be not slow to visit the sick.
Ecclesiasticus 7:39

Preserving health by too severe a rule is a worrisome malady.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Health is not simply the absence of sickness.
Hannah Green

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Robert Orben

People are fed by the food industry, which pays no attention to health, and are treated by the health industry, which pays no attention to food.
Wendell Berry

In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life.
John Diamond

If you don't make time for your wellness, you'll be forced to make time for your illness.
Author unidentified

Health … [dispensed] her gifts to those only who shared their lives in just proportions between Rest and Labour.
Samuel Johnson

Among the innumerable follies, by which we lay up in our youth repentance and remorse for the succeeding part of our lives, there is scarce any against which warnings are of less efficacy, than the neglect of health.
Samuel Johnson

Such is the power of health, that without its co-operation every other comfort is torpid and lifeless as the powers of vegetation without the sun.
Samuel Johnson

It requires no great abilities to prove, that he loses pleasure who loses health.
Samuel Johnson

Health is certainly more valuable than money, because it is by health that money is procured.
Samuel Johnson

A sound mind in a sound body, is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.
John Locke

There is a limit to the best of health: disease is always a near neighbor.

To lose one's health renders science null, art inglorious, strength unavailing, wealth useless, and eloquence powerless.

A man in good health is always full of advice to the sick.

Life is not merely being alive, but being well.

Look to your health, and if you have it, praise God, and value it next to a good conscience.
Izaak Walton

It is a boresome disease to try to keep health by following a too strict regimen.
La Rochefoucauld

The poorest man would not part with health for money, but the richest would gladly part with all their money for health.
C. C. Colton

What have I gained by health? Intolerable dullness. What by early hours and moderate meals? A total blank.
Charles Lamb

I still need more healthy rest in order to work at my best. My health is the main capital I have and I want to administer it intelligently.
Ernest Hemingway


Hear much; speak little.
Robert Burton


There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.
Theodore Roosevelt

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
Mignon McLaughlin

As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.
H. L. Mencken

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.
Proverbs 14:10

Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and joy may end in grief.
Proverbs 14:13

Let not your heart be troubled.
John 14:1 (KJV)

I prithee send me back my heart,
Since I cannot have thine;
For if from yours you will not part,
Why then shouldst thou have mine?
Sir John Suckling

The mind is always the dupe of the heart.
La Rochefoucauld

A honey tongue, a heart of gall.
Walter Raleigh

The heart, like the eye, is never satisfied.
West African Proverb

Maid of Athens, ere we part,
Give, oh give me back my heart!
Lord Byron


Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.
Irish Proverb

In like manner I am persuaded also of all those of whom the Scripture says: "And he slept with his fathers," that they are all in heaven. For this word, slept, shows some good in the Scriptures.
Martin Luther

Were the happiness of the next world as closely apprehended as the felicities of this, it were a martyrdom to live.
Sir Thomas Browne

Heaven were not Heaven if we knew what it were.
John Suckling

Heaven is a cheap purchase, whatever it cost.
Thomas Fuller

No man was ever scared into Heaven.
Thomas Fuller

The way to Heaven is ascending; we must be content to travel up hill, though it be hard and tiresome, and contrary to the natural bias of our flesh.
Jonathan Edwards

If God were not willing to forgive sin Heaven would be empty.
German Proverb

Heaven and Hell

Heaven for climate, hell for company.
James M. Barrie

Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
To reign is worth ambition though in hell:
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.
John Milton

It is Hell, of course, that makes priests powerful, not Heaven, for after thousands of years of so-called civilization fear remains the one common denominator of mankind.
H. L. Mencken

Who finds heaven on earth will end in hell.
Daniel Mark Epstein

I have friends in both places [Heaven and Hell].
Mark Twain

The bell invites me.
Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell
That summons thee to heaven or to hell.

I desire to go to Hell, not to Heaven. In Hell I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, but in Heaven are only beggars, monks, hermits and apostles.
Niccolò Machiavelli, on his deathbed

To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hebrew Language

The words of the Hebrew tongue have a peculiar energy. It is impossible to convey so much so briefly in any other language.
Martin Luther


It is astonishing that Hegel's reputation survived his absurd declaration that history had ended with Bonaparte's victory over Prussia at Jena in 1806. Yet Hegel went on to hold what was then the most enviable academic post in Germany, the chair of philosophy in Berlin, and to write much more clever and influential nonsense.
Paul Johnson


If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle.
Samson, Judges 14:18


What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
Mark 8:36

According to the faith and mercy of his Christian enemies, [Chosroes] sunk without hope into a still deeper abyss [Hell]; and it will not be denied, that tyrants of every age and sect are the best entitled to such infernal abodes.
Edward Gibbon

I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

How do you know that the earth isn’t some other planet’s hell?
Aldous Huxley

I hold the gnashing of teeth of the damned to be an external pain following upon an evil conscience, that is, despair, when men see themselves abandoned by God.
Martin Luther

What hell is, we know not; only this we know, that there is such a sure and certain place, as is written of the rich glutton, when Abraham said unto him: "There is a great space between you and us."
Martin Luther

This miserable state is borne by the wretched souls of those who lived without disgrace and without praise.
Dante Alighieri

The gates of hell are open night and day;
Smooth the descent, and easy is the way.

(Facilis descensus Averni,
Noctes atque dies patet atri janua Ditis.

Virgil, translation by Dryden

Long is the way
And hard, that out of hell leads up to light.
John Milton

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretenses.
William A. Sunday

Through me is the way to the sorrowful city.
Through me is the way to eternal suffering.
Through me is the way to join the lost people …
Abandon all hope, you who enter!

(Per me si va nella città dolente,
Per me si va nell' eterno dolore,
Per me si va tra la perduta gente …
Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate

Dante Alighieri, inscription at the entrance to Hell

Hell is a city much like London—
A populous and smoky city.
Percy Bysshe Shelley

Henry III

Like Jesus Christ himself, Henry [III] was as wise on the day of his birth as he would ever be.
Author unidentified


Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one.
Charles Mackay


When I lay sucking at my mother's breast, I had no notion how I should afterwards eat, drink, or live. Even so we on earth have no idea what the life to come will be.
Martin Luther


Helvétius maintains that men are born with approximately the same talents. This is contradicted by experience. The character of men is fixed indelibly at birth.
Frederick the Great

There is something frightful in the way in which not only characteristic qualities, but particular manifestations of them, are repeated from generation to generation.
O. W. Holmes


Heresies perish not with their authors, but, like the river Arethusa, though they lose their currents in one place, they rise up again in another.
Thomas Browne

From all false doctrine, heresy, and schism, Good Lord, deliver us.
The Book of Common Prayer

Among theologians heretics are those who are not backed with a sufficient array of battalions to render them orthodox.


We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (Attributed)

But heroes are not reckless or foolhardy. … A sensible hero fights bravely when he needs to do so; but first he fights prudently in order to avoid fighting bravely.
John O'Sullivan

No man's a hero to himself.
Ray Bradbury

There are heroes of evil as well as of good.
La Rochefoucauld

No man is a hero to his valet.
Ascribed to Madame Cornuel

Whoe'er excels in what we prize,
Appears a hero in our eyes.
Jonathan Swift

A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a fine morning have sometimes made a hero of the same man who, by an indigestion, a restless night, and rainy morning would have proved a coward.
Lord Chesterfield

Everyone is the chief personage, the hero, of his own baptism, his own wedding, and his own funeral.
O. W. Holmes

No man is a hero to his own wife; no woman is a wife to her own hero.
Author unidentified

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes!
Galileo: No. Unhappy the land that needs heroes.
Bertolt Brecht


Times of heroism are generally times of terror.
R. W. Emerson

Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over the flesh: that is to say, over fear: fear of poverty, of suffering, of calumny, of sickness, of isolation, and of death.
H. F. Amiel


Even a fool may be wise after the event.

Their hindsight was better than their foresight.
Ascribed to H. W. Beecher


The revolution of ages may bring round the same calamities; but ages may revolve without producing a Tacitus to describe them.
Edward Gibbon

History does not have sides, although historians do.
Jay Nordlinger

How many fine actions of the old time have remained unknown, for want of an historian to record them.
Martin Luther

It is natural for a good man to love his country and his friends, and to hate the enemies of both. But when he writes history he must abandon such feelings, and be prepared to praise enemies who deserve it and to censure the dearest and most intimate friends.

The first law is that the historian shall never dare to set down what is false; the second, that he shall never dare to conceal the truth; the third, that there shall be no suspicion in his work of either favoritism or prejudice.

If an historian were to relate truthfully all the crimes, weaknesses and disorders of mankind, his readers would take his work for satire rather than for history.
Pierre Bayle

The man who ventures to write contemporary history must expect to be attacked both for everything he has said and everything he has not said.


Don't brood on what's past, but never forget it either.
Thomas H. Raddall

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
George Santayana

History, n. An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

History … is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.
Edward Gibbon

History's lessons are no more enlightening than the wisdom of those who interpret them.
David Schoenbrun

History repeats itself; historians repeat one other.
Rupert Brooke

The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. It is sobering, too, to find huge and frightening errors constantly repeated; lessons painfully learnt forgotten in the space of a generation; and the accumulated wisdom of the past heedlessly ignored in every society, and at all times.
Paul Johnson

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it.
Oscar Wilde

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. [emphasis added]
Will Durant

The voice of history [is] often little more than the organ of hatred or flattery.
Edward Gibbon

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill

The interpretation of history is forever in flux, as much reflection of the present as window on the past.
Andrew Stuttaford

From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue.
Edward Gibbon

So obscure are the greatest events, as some take for granted any hearsay, whatever its source, others turn truth into falsehood, and both errors find encouragement with posterity.

[We should] suspend our belief of every tale that deviates from the laws of nature and the character of man.
Edward Gibbon

History is a pack of tricks the living play upon the dead.
Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)

There are no inevitabilities in history.
Paul Johnson

There is no logic or justice in history. It is all a matter of chronology.
Paul Johnson

There is no such person as History. It is human beings who decree.
Paul Johnson

Reality cannot for long be banished from history. Facts have a way of making their presence felt.
Paul Johnson

What is important in history is not only the events that occur but the events that obstinately do not occur.
Paul Johnson

The historian of the modern world is sometimes tempted to reach the depressing conclusion that progress is destructive of certitude. In the eighteenth and the nineteenth centuries the Western elites were confident that men and progress were governed by reason. A prime discovery of modern times is that reason plays little part in our affairs.
Paul Johnson

History isn't like that. History unravels gently, like an old sweater. It has been patched and darned many times, reknitted to suit different people, shoved in a box under the sink of censorship to be cut up for the dusters of propaganda, yet it always—eventually—manages to spring back into its old familiar shape. History has a habit of changing the people who think they are changing it. History always has a few tricks up its frayed sleeve. It's been around a long time.
Sir Terry Pratchett

If one but tell a thing well, it moves on with undying voice, and over the fruitful earth and across the sea goes the bright gleam of noble deeds ever unquenchable.

Unsung, the noblest deed will die.

[Historians] know how things turned out. The people who made the history didn't know how things would turn out, and you can't understand their thinking or actions without keeping that in mind.
Bernard Bailyn, paraphrased

The more I study history, the more convinced I am that what happens is influenced as much by the willpower of key individuals as by the underlying pressure of collective forces.
Paul Johnson

The present is continually in process of becoming the past: the frontier of history ends only with yesterday's newspaper.
Paul Johnson

History is more or less bunk. It's tradition. We don't want tradition. We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's damn is the history we make today.
Henry Ford

We are much beholden to Machiavel and others, that write what men do, and not what they ought to do.
Francis Bacon

The aim of history is to assemble real facts and real speeches, to the end that lovers of knowledge may be instructed and persuaded.

History is the witness of the times, the torch of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity.

History is philosophy teaching by examples.
Dionysius of Halicarnassus

History, the longer it runs, contracts the more filth, and retains in it the additional ordure of every soil through which it passes.
William Warburton (Bishop of Gloucester)

History can be well written only in a free country.

My dear Smollett disgraces his talent by writing those stupid romances commonly called history.
Mary Wortley Montagu

On whatever side we regard the history of Europe, we shall perceive it to be a tissue of crimes, follies, and misfortunes.
Oliver Goldsmith

Happy is the nation that has no history.
C. B. Beccaria

All history, so far as it is not supported by contemporary evidence, is romance.
Samuel Johnson

That certain kings reigned and certain battles were fought we can depend upon as true, but all the coloring, all the philosophy of history is conjecture.
Samuel Johnson

This is my history; like all other histories, a narrative of misery.
Samuel Johnson

The histories of mankind that we possess are histories only of the higher classes.
T. R. Malthus

I am determined to apply myself to a study that is hateful and disgusting to my very soul, but which is, above all studies, necessary for him who would be listened to as a mender of antiquated abuses. I mean that record of crimes and miseries—history.
P. B. Shelley

History fades into fable; fact becomes clouded with doubt and controversy; the inscription molders from the tablet: the statue falls from the pedestal. Columns, arches, pyramids, what are they but heaps of sand; and their epitaphs, but characters written in the dust?
Washington Irving

The public history of all countries, and all ages, is but a sort of mask, richly colored. The interior working of the machinery must be foul.
John Quincy Adams

I should like much to tell the truth; but if I did, I should be torn to pieces, here or abroad.
The Duke of Wellington

Peoples and government have never learned anything from history, or acted on principles deducible from it.
G. W. F. Hegel

Histories are a kind of distilled newspapers.
Thomas Carlyle

The two parties which divide the state, the party of conservatism and that of innovation, are very old, and have disputed the possession of the world ever since it was made. This quarrel is the subject of civil history.
R. W. Emerson

The only history worth reading is that written. at the time of which it treats, the history of what was done and seen, heard out of the mouths of the men who did and saw.
John Ruskin

There is no law of history any more than of a kaleidoscope.
John Ruskin

Happy the people whose annals are blank in history-books.
Thomas Carlyle

When a history book contains no lies it is always tedious.
Jacques Thibault (Anatole France)

People think too historically. They are always living half in a cemetery.
Aristide Briand

Of all history the most instructive to a man is his own.
Author unidentified

The nation which produced this great historian, has the grief of seeing his genius employed upon a foreign and uninteresting subject; and that writer who might have secured perpetuity to his name, by a history of his own country, has exposed himself to the danger of oblivion, by recounting enterprises and revolutions, of which none desire to be informed.
Samuel Johnson

What experience and history teach is this—that people and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it.
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

What are all the records of history, but narratives of successive villanies, of treasons and usurpations, massacres and wars?
Samuel Johnson

Writers the most learned, the most accurate in details, and the soundest in tendency, frequently fall into a habit which can neither be cured nor pardoned,—the habit of making history into the proof of their theories.
Lord Acton

History is philosophy from examples.
Dionysius of Halicarnassus

We are always coming up with the emphatic facts of history in our private experience and verifying them here. All history becomes subjective; in other words, there is properly no history; only biography.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.
George Eliot

History is past politics, and politics is present history.
E. A. Freeman


If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
Winston Churchill


If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work.


Better than the rest of us, they [the Jews] sensed what was ahead for their people.
H. L. Mencken

[I]t is a horrible thing that a race of people [the Jews in Germany] should be attempted to be blotted out of the society in which they have been born, that from their earliest years little children should be segregated and that they should be exposed to scorn and odium.
Winston Churchill, 1937


Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
Matthew 7:6 (KJV)

Holy Roman Empire

This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire is neither holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire.
Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)


'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
John Howard Payne

Charity and beating begins at home.
John Fletcher

Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.
Robert Frost

Such is the patriot's boast, where'er we roam,
His first, best country ever is, at home.
Oliver Goldsmith


A man who has not read Homer is like a man who has not seen the ocean. There is a great object of which he has no idea.
Walter Bagehot


It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
Mrs. Patrick Campbell, on homosexuality

In my father's time they hanged you for it [homosexuality]. When I was a lad they put you in prison for it. Now it's legal. I hope I die before they make it compulsory.
Author unidentified


Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.

No man is really honest; none of us is above the influence of gain.

In an honest man there is always something of a child.

Honesty is but an art to seem so.
John Marston

To be honest is nothing; the reputation of it is all.
William Congreve

Honest men fear neither the light nor the dark.
Thomas Fuller

Honesty is a fine jewel, but much out of fashion.
Thomas Fuller

Our great error is that we suppose mankind more honest than they are.
Alexander Hamilton

The natural man has a difficult time getting along in this world. Half the people think he is a scoundrel because he is not a hypocrite.
E. W. Howe


They surfeited with honey and began
To loathe the taste of sweetness, whereof a little
More than a little is by much too much.


Honeymoon: applied to those married persons that love well at first, and decline in affection afterward; it is honey now, but it will change as the moon.
Thomas Blount


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato)

It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.
André Gide

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
Mark Twain

It was no longer esteemed infamous for a Roman to survive his honor and independence.
Edward Gibbon

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Thomas Jefferson, et al.

Honor is like an island, rugged and without a beach; once we have left it, we can never return.
Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux

Let us honour if we can
The vertical man
Though we value none
But the horizontal one.
W. H. Auden

All is lost save honor.
Francis I

He who has lost honor can lose nothing more.
Publilius Syrus

Mine honor is my life; both grow in one;
Take honor from me and my life is done.

See that you come
Not to woo honor, but to wed it.

If honor cannot restrain a man, virtue will not.
Baltasar Gracián

When honor's lost, 'tis a relief to die;
Death's but a sure retreat from infamy.
Samuel Garth

The honor that is lost in a moment cannot be restored in a hundred years.
Italian Proverb

Of all I had, only honour and life have been spared. (De toutes choses ne m'est demeuré que l'honneur et la vie qui est saulve.)
Francis I


Not every thing which the law allows is honorable. (Non omne quod licet honestum est.)
Legal Maxim

Be honorable yourself if you wish to associate with honorable people.
Welsh Proverb


He had that rare weird electricity about him—that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally."
Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.

So farewell hope, and with hope, farewell fear,
Farewell remorse; all good to me is lost;
Evil, be thou my good.
John Milton

But things will be better one day; they cannot always remain as now; let us have patience, and steadfastly remain by the pure doctrine, and not fall away from it, notwithstanding all this misery.
Martin Luther

As wisdom without courage is futile, even so faith without hope is nothing worth; for hope endures and overcomes misfortune and evil.
Martin Luther

The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope.
Samuel Johnson

The miserable have no other medicine
But only hope.

Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, of sickness, or captivity, would, without this comfort, be insupportable.
Samuel Johnson

Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment. If it be asked, what is the improper expectation which it is dangerous to indulge, experience will quickly answer, that it is such expectation as is dictated not by reason, but by desire; expectation raised, not by the common occurrences of life, but by the wants of the expectant; an expectation that requires the common course of things to be changed, and the general rules of action to be broken.
Samuel Johnson

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
Francis Bacon

There is no man who does not hope for something which he has not, though perhaps his wishes lie unactive, because he foresees the difficulty of attainment.
Samuel Johnson

My only hope lies in my despair.
Jean Racine

Hope springs eternal in the human breast:
Man never is, but always to be blest.
Alexander Pope

While there's life there's hope.
English Proverb, borrowed from Cicero

A ship ought not to be held by one anchor, nor life by a single hope.

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope. No husbandman would sow one grain of corn if he hoped not it would grow up and become seed; no bachelor would marry a wife if he hoped not to have children; no merchant or tradesman would set himself to work if he did not hope to reap benefit thereby.
Martin Luther

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
English Proverb

He who lives on hope will die fasting.
English Proverb

Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair.
Thomas Hobbes

He that wants hope is the poorest man alive.
Thomas Fuller

It is necessary to hope, though hope should always be deluded; for hope itself is happiness, and its frustrations, however frequent, are yet less dreadful than its extinction.
Samuel Johnson

We should deal with ourselves as a wise physician is said to have dealt with his patients: those who were incurable lost their lives, but they never lost hope.
Ernest von Feuchtersleben

The last thing ever lost is hope.
Italian Proverb

While I breathe, I hope. (Dum spiro, spero.)
Medieval Latin Proverb

The day is always coming to the servile in which they shall be powerful, to the obscure in which they shall be eminent, and to the deformed in which they shall be beautiful.
Samuel Johnson

None would live past years again,
Yet all hope pleasure in what yet remain;
And, from the dregs of life, think to receive,
What the first sprightly running could not give.
John Dryden

I essay much, I hope little, I ask nothing.
Edward Elgar

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.
Benjamin Franklin


Is there no hope? the sick man said;
The silent doctor shook his head.
John Gay

The setting of a great hope is like the setting of the sun. The brightness of our life is gone.
H. W. Longfellow

Something was dead in each of us,
And what was dead was hope.
Oscar Wilde


They say princes learn no art truly, but the art of horsemanship. The reason is, the brave beast is no flatterer. He will throw a prince as soon as his groom.
Ben Jonson

Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.
Walter de la Mare


Don't set up for what is called hospitality. If your house be like an inn, nobody cares for you. A man who stays a week with another makes him a slave for a week.
Samuel Johnson


An hour may destroy what an age was building.
H. G. Bohn


An hour-glass is a reminder not only of time's quick flight, but also of the dust to which we must at last return.
G. C. Lichtenberg


For a man's house is his castle. (et domus sua cuique tutissimum refugium.)
Sir Edward Coke

Old houses mended,
Cost little less than new before they’re ended.
Colley Cibber

I prefer houses to the open air. In a house we all feel of the proper proportions. Everything is subordinated to us, fashioned for our use and our pleasure.
Oscar Wilde

The best way to realize the pleasure of feeling rich is to live in a smaller house than your means would entitle you to have.
Edward Clarke

The owner has one house, the renter a thousand.
Persian Proverb

House of Commons

There is nowhere in the world where sleep is so deep as in the libraries of the House of Commons.
Henry ('Chips') Channon


Here lies a poor woman, who always was tired;
She lived in a house where help was not hired,
Her last words on earth were: "Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain't done, nor sweeping, nor sewing;
But everything there is exact to my wishes;
For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes."
Anonymous: The Housewife's Epitaph


Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition. housewife wears herself out marking time: she makes nothing, simply perpetuates the present.
Simone de Beauvoir


I am a man; and nothing human is foreign to me. (Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.)

Human Nature

Civilized ages inherit the human nature which was victorious in barbarous ages, and that nature is, in many respects, not at all suited to civilized circumstances.
Walter Bagehot


When any man is more stupidly vain and outrageously egotistic than his fellows, he will hide his hideousness in humanitarianism.
George Moore

The type and formula of most schemes of philanthropy or humanitarianism is this: A and B put their heads together to decide what C shall be made to do for D. … I call C the Forgotten Man.
William Graham Sumner


It's hard to be humble when you are as great as I am.
Muhammed Ali

Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
Rick Warren

Humility is a virtue all preach, none practice; and yet everybody is content to hear.
John Selden

The higher we are placed, the more we should be humble.

There is something in humility which strangely exalts the heart.
St. Augustine

Plenty of people want to be pious, but no one yearns to be humble.
La Rochefoucauld

Humility is often only a feigned submission, of which we make use to render others submissive. It is an artifice of pride which abases in order to exalt itself.
La Rochefoucauld

A fault which humbles a man is of more use to him than a good action which puffs him up.
Thomas Wilson

Life is a long lesson in humility.
James M. Barrie

And the Devil did grin, for his darling sin
Is that apes humility.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge


Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
E. B. White

Humour is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
Romain Gary

The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
Marty Feldman

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.
A. P. Herbert

Funny people are usually funny for unfunny reasons.
Josh Peck

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
Dave Barry

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
George Eliot

Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor …
Will Rogers

Humorous Quotations

Ginsberg's Theorem:
  1. You can't win.
  2. You can't break even.
  3. You can't even quit the game.
Author unidentified

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" … What's my mother going to do?
Steven Wright

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
Teacher: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, shmod, I want my monkey-man!
The Simpsons

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
The Simpsons

Boy, life takes a long time to live.
Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

The other day I … uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Author unidentified

It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.
Lord Birkett

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Author unidentified

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.
Joseph Heller

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Author unidentified

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Author unidentified

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Author unidentified

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
Author unidentified

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle—his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
The Simpsons

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Author unidentified

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
The Simpsons

Homer: Trying is the first step toward failure.
The Simpsons

Grandpa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
The Simpsons

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Steven Wright

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M. Schulz

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

After handing him a report card filled with F's, the boy asked his father, "Do you think the problem is my heredity or my upbringing?"
Author unidentified

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Sir Terry Pratchett

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
Steven Wright

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Author unidentified

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.
Dilbert (Scott Adams)

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes

Marge: Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
The Simpsons

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did …
Homer: I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.
The Simpsons

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to [himself], "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
George Carlin

Lenny: Date night, it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should have given you that Egyptology book.
The Simpsons

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Author unidentified

Homer: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
The Simpsons

Homer: Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
The Simpsons

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
The Simpsons

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey [the daycare director]. If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
The Simpsons

Mindy: Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Homer: Well, maybe I want to [have sex]. Then I think about Marge and the kids … well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling motion] …
The Simpsons

Homer: That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.
The Simpsons

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry

Stress is caused by suppressing the urge to beat the crap out of someone who desperately needs it.
Author unidentified

Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love daddy. Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives. And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.
The Simpsons

Bart: You don't look like a mom. You look happy.
The Simpsons

Bode: What's up. I'm Bode. Do you surf?
Milhouse: No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids. So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bode: That's cool.
Milhouse: No … it's not cool.
The Simpsons

He's a 17-year-old boy … He doesn't have any innermost thoughts, and if he did, you wouldn't want to know what they [are] and neither would I.
Andrew Ferguson

Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
The Simpsons

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win.
The Simpsons

I drove [to the airport] like an old man drives through a farmer's market, ignoring all laws of man, nature, and God.
Adam Carolla

[Somehow] free food at the workplace turns everyone into a bear at Yellowstone Park.
Adam Carolla

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
Adam Carolla

Possum played chicken
with a car
Not playing dead now.
Jack Kerouac

For dads, a family vacation is a 24-hour a day baby sitting job.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Breaking news from the Middle East: Bearded men throwing rocks, yelling.
Author unidentified

You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy, which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it's hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin

Penny: Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It's called the comfort zone for a reason.
The Big Bang Theory

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.
Justin Halpern

Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Big Bang Theory

Nut tightening stages: Loose, tight, tighter, very tight, over tight, loose.
Author unidentified

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Author unidentified

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad choices.
Author unidentified

Lisa: (explaining to Homer) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!
The Simpsons

Ralphie: Daddy, how come you're not at work?
Wiggum: I don't know. How come you're not at school?
Ralphie: My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Wiggum: Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie, so am I.
The Simpsons

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment … the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

Anything worth doing has a slight risk of decapitation.
Nick Offerman (when talking about working with a dangerous saw)

Always be yourself …
Unless you can be Batman—then always be Batman.
Author unidentified

I just spent my day playing a toy, in a movie about toys who do horrible things to each other.
Orson Welles, on his role as Unicorn in "The Transformers: The Movie"

Homer: I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer with candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh … well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
The Simpsons

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear … fear and surprise … our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency … our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope … our four … no … Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise … I'll come in again.
Graham Chapman and John Cleese

No sex, please—we're British.
Anthony Marriott and Alistair Foot

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here [the AA meeting] because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: [screams and jumps through the window]
The Simpsons

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best

This is why we can't have nice things.
Author unidentified

Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.
The Simpsons

Student 1: Do you think most students on campus are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual?
Student 2: I think most students are autosexual.
Author unidentified

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it … and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, Who knows?
Mitch Hedberg

[Homer is eating from a bag of flour]
Marge: Oh honey, don’t eat that. Wouldn’t you rather have your sugar bag?
Homer: No. I don’t deserve sugar.
The Simpsons

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
Dr. Strangelove movie

Asok: Alice, do you have any valuable career advice?
Alice: Work so hard that it destroys your health and crowds out any chance of having a personal life.
Asok: Wouldn't that make me … unhappy?
Alice: You didn't ask for happiness advice.
Scott Adams

lockdown, n. Middle-class people hiding while working-class people bring them things.
Author unidentified, referring to the 2020–2022 pandemic lockdown

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.
The Simpsons

Why are you the way that you are?
The Office

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish, he'd stay away.
William Mearns

Plant Counselor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!
Plant Counselor: They prefer the Sunshine State.
The Simpsons

Don't wait till your deathbed to tell people how you feel. Tell them to fuck off now.
Author unidentified

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo inglés.'
Ronnie Shakes

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Garrison Keillor

I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for you, though. Or, sorry that happened.
Author unidentified (paraphrase of a popular meme)

I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.
Author unidentified

Am I working at my regular capacity? No. But am I prioritizing and taking care of the most important tasks? No. But am I at least taking care of myself and my mental health? Also no.
Popular Tweet by Elizabeth Teng

Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny: Huh. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
The Simpsons

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry

Adam: So, how did your audition for the morning TV show go?
Jimmy: Not well. They want me to be likable to women across the country. … My wife doesn't like me.
Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel

Today is the last day of your life so far.
Author unidentified

"They can ta'k our lives but they can never ta'k our freedom!" Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker.
Terry Pratchett, referring to a statement in the movie Braveheart

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm." At the time this was the last thing on my mind.
Terry Pratchett

"Whose side are they on?" said Brocando.
"Sides? Their own, I suppose, just like everyone else."
Terry Pratchett

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Terry Pratchett

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Simpson

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.
The Simpsons

No one is coming to save you.

You are the adult.

I'm so sorry.

Dave Tarnowski

It's not imposter syndrome.

You really do suck at everything.

Dave Tarnowski

Stop overthinking.

You are the only one who cares.

Dave Tarnowski

Don't be sad.

You're making everyone uncomfortable.

Dave Tarnowski

Things didn't work out for a reason.

The reason is you make terrible decisions.

Dave Tarnowski

Whenever someone asks how you are, just make up a lie like: "I'm okay."

No one wants to hear about your problems.

Dave Tarnowski

Take a moment to be grateful for all that you have.

Okay, now back to wishing everything was different.

Dave Tarnowski

The life you want is outside your comfort zone.

So I guess you'll be sticking with this one, then.

Dave Tarnowski

You can do it!

But you probably won't.

Dave Tarnowski

It gets easier.

Eventually you just stop giving a fuck.

Dave Tarnowski

If I knew back then what I know now I would've just fucked up my life differently.
Dave Tarnowski

This [soccer] match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!
The Simpsons

Homer: Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.
Lisa: That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!
The Simpsons

Grandpa: (talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's a dumb as a chimp.
The Simpsons

You will never be alone.

All of the stupid things you've ever said and done will always be there to haunt you.

Dave Tarnowski


Wherever there is a Hungarian there is a quarrel.
Polish Proverb


A hungry man is an angry man.
James Howell

Better cross an angry man than a hungry man.
Danish Proverb

Hunger is the first course of a good dinner.
French Proverb


It is very strange, and very melancholy, that the paucity of human pleasures should persuade us ever to call hunting one of them.
Samuel Johnson

There is no one exercise that enableth the body more for the wars than hunting, by teaching you to endure heat, cold, hunger, thirst, to rise early, watch late, lie and fare badly.
Henry Peacham

Detested sport [hunting],
That owes its pleasures to another's pain.
William Cowper


Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry.
John Wesley

Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him.
Lord Chesterfield


A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash

He would grab me in his arms, hold me close—and tell me how wonderful he was.
Shelley Winters, of her ex-husband Vittorio Gassman

Husbands are not adults. They are people who pay for things but are still somehow burdens.
Family Guy

Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it.
Arnold Bennett

There's no form of prayer in the Liturgy against bad husbands.
George Farquhar

I have known many single men I should have liked in my life (if it had suited them) for a husband; but very few husbands have I ever wished was mine.
Mary Lamb

Some men are husbands merely because some women disliked to be called old maids.
Author unidentified

Nay, for my part I always despised Mr Tattle of all things; nothing but his being my husband could have made me like him less.
William Congreve

Personally, I can't see why it would be any less romantic to find a husband in a nice four-colour catalogue than in the average downtown bar at happy hour.
Barbara Ehrenreich

Husband and Wife

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason—there's a reason.
Molly McGee

A wife must worship her husband as if he were a god, though he may be without virtue or other good qualities, and seek pleasure with other women.
The Code of Manu

A good wife maketh a good husband.
John Heywood

Every married woman shall be free from bodily correction or stripes by her husband, unless it be in his own defence upon her assault.
Law of Massachusetts, 1641

When the wife drinks to the husband all is well.
John Ray

Husband! thou dull unpitied miscreant,
Wedded to noise, to misery, and want;
Sold an eternal vassal for thy life,
Oblig'd to cherish and to heat a wife:
Repeat thy loath'd embraces every night
Prompted to act by duty not delight.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are the more they're valued.
Benjamin Franklin

Emperors are only husbands in wives' eyes.

It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they are alone.
Oscar Wilde


The industrious husbandman plants trees of which he himself will never see a berry.


The speaking in a perpetual hyperbole is comely in nothing but in love.
Francis Bacon


The one being abhorrent to the powers above the earth and under them is the hyphenated American the German-American, the Irish-American, or the native-American. Be American, pure and simple.
Theodore Roosevelt

A hyphenated American is not an American at all. … Our allegiance must be purely to the United States. We must unsparingly condemn any man who holds any other allegiance.
Theodore Roosevelt


Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't like hypocrisy, but I fear a world without it. As long as it continues to exist, it means that standards continue to exist. You can only have hypocrisy when you have standards.
Dennis Prager

Nothing is more unjust, however common, than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those virtues which he neglects to practise; since he may be sincerely convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others, those attempts which he neglects himself.
Samuel Johnson

Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.
La Rochefoucauld

One may smile, and smile, and be a villain.

The hypocrite doth vizard all his villainy with the mask or veil of virtue.
John Taylor

Hypocrisy at the fashionable end of the town is very different from hypocrisy in the city. The modish hypocrite endeavors to appear more vicious than he really is; the other kind of hypocrite more virtuous.
Joseph Addison


For hysterical maidens I prescribe marriage, for they are cured by pregnancy.

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Last updated: May 23, 2024