Cool Quotes - H

The privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended, unless when in cases of rebellion or invasion the public safety may require it.

The nature of men is always the same; it is their habits that separate them.

Nothing is more powerful than habit.

Habit makes the custom.

Ill habits gather by unseen degrees,—
As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.

Habit with him was all the test of truth; "It must be right: I've done it from my youth."

For the ordinary business of life an ounce of habit is worth a pound of intellect.

Man is an animal of habit. (Der Mensch ist ein Gewohnheitstier.)

Habits are at first cobwebs, then cables.

Half the truth is often a great lie.

Hanging and wiving go by destiny.

There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws, would not deserve hanging ten times in his life.

I went out to Charing Cross to see Major General Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could do in that condition.

This will surely be a lesson to me.

Coming down with something? Please. You reek of booze and bullshit. Don't lie to a Kentuckian about drinking or horses, son.

I tried to lift my head and winced. It was full of whiskey and regret.

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

We are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?

Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happy is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness … I was right.

Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.

Boethius might have been styled happy, if that precarious epithet could be safely applied before the last term of the life of man.

There is no device whatever to be invented for securing happiness without industry, economy, and virtue.

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy—I mean that if you are happy you will be good.

The only happy people I know are people I don't know well.

Happiness is a serious problem.

But man is not born for happiness.

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.

Very little is needed to make a happy life.

But, O! how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes!

We are in danger from whatever can get possession of our thoughts; all that can excite in us either pain or pleasure, has a tendency to obstruct the way that leads to happiness, and either to turn us aside, or retard our progress.

You can't make people happy by law. If you said to a bunch of average people two hundred years ago "Would you be happy in a world where medical care is widely available, houses are clean, the world's music and sights and foods can be brought into your home at small cost, traveling even 100 miles is easy, childbirth is generally not fatal to mother or child, you don't have to die of dental abscesses and you don't have to do what the squire tells you" they'd think you were talking about the New Jerusalem and say "yes."

Human felicity is produced not so much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by little advantages that occur every day.

Who save the gods can be happy all life long?

No man is happy unless he believes he is.

I have now reigned about fifty years in victory or peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to fourteen.

We never enjoy perfect happiness; our most fortunate successes are mingled with sadness; some anxieties always perplex the reality of our satisfaction.

He that talks much of his happiness summons grief.

The happiness or unhappiness of men depends no less upon their dispositions than on their fortunes.

The past and present are only our means; the future is always our end. Thus we never really live, but only hope to live. Always looking forward to being happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.

Unbroken happiness is a bore: it should have ups and downs.

Happy the man who, unknown to the world, lives content with himself in some retired nook, whom the love of this nothing called fame has never intoxicated with its vain smoke; who makes all his pleasure dependent on his liberty of action, and gives an account of his leisure to no one but himself.

Every period of life is obliged to borrow its happiness from the time to come. In youth we have nothing past to entertain us, and in age we derive little from retrospect but hope- less sorrow.

I firmly believe, notwithstanding all our complaints, that almost every person upon earth tastes upon the totality more happiness than misery.

It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, which give happiness.

Mark Antony sought for happiness in love; Brutus in glory; Caesar in dominion: the first found disgrace, the second disgust, the last ingratitude, and each destruction.

Man is the artificer of his own happiness.

Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.

Man is never happy, but spends his whole life. in striving after something which he thinks will make him so; he seldom attains his goal, and when he does, it is only to be disappointed; he is mostly shipwrecked in the end, and comes into harbor with masts and rigging gone.

Unquestionably, it is possible to do without happiness; it is done involuntarily by nineteen-twentieths of mankind.

What right have we to happiness?

Much happiness is overlooked because it doesn't cost anything.

Once in every man's life happiness passes him by.

Looking for happiness is like clutching the shadow or chasing the wind.

There are three sureties of happiness: good habits, amiability, and forbearance.

The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a human heart. One must imagine that Sisyphus is happy. (La lutte elle-même vers les sommets suffit à remplir un coeur d'homme. Il faut imaginer Sisyphe heureux.)

But to hope happiness and immortality is equally vain. Our state may indeed be more or less embittered as our duration may be more or less contracted; yet the utmost felicity which we can ever attain will be little better than alleviation of misery, and we shall always feel more pain from our wants than pleasure from our enjoyments.

It is not possible to secure instant or permanent happiness but by the forbearance of some immediate gratification.

But how many things are necessary to happiness which money cannot obtain!

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling.

Every period of life is obliged to borrow its happiness from the time to come.

There is no greater pain than to remember a happy time when one is in misery.

(… Nessun maggior dolore,
Che ricordarsi del tempo felice
Nella miseria.)

The two foes of human happiness are pain and boredom.

There are few things which can much conduce to happiness, and, therefore, few things to be ardently desired.

For all the happiness mankind can gain
Is not in pleasure, but in rest from pain.

Happiness is often presented as being very dull but, he thought, lying awake, that is because dull people are sometimes very happy and intelligent people can and do go around making themselves and everyone else miserable. He had never found happiness dull.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

In both adults and children, one can either pursue excitement or pursue happiness, but one cannot do both. If you pursue excitement, you will not attain happiness. If you pursue happiness, you will still experience some moments of excitement, but you will attain happiness only if happiness, not excitement, is your goal.

To crave for happiness in this world is simply to be possessed by a spirit of revolt. What right have we to happiness?

Those who have given themselves the most concern about the happiness of peoples have made their neighbors very miserable.

There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.

If you will allow me, at my age, a reflection that is scarcely ever made at yours, I must say that if one only knew where one's true happiness lay one would never look for it outside the limits prescribed by the law and by religion.

(Si vous permettez à mon âge une réflexion qu'on ne fait guère au vôtre, c'est que, si on étoit éclairé sur son véritable bonheur, on ne le chercherait jamais hors des bornes prescrites par les loix et la religion.)

Is anything too hard for the Lord?

Things hard to come by are much esteemed. (Quae rarissima carissima.)

The harlot knows not how to love but only to ensnare; her kiss hath poison, and her mouth a pernicious drug.

Samson with his strong body had a weak head, or he would not have laid it in a harlot's lap.

The number of people who can do us good is very small; but almost anyone can do us harm.

I take pleasure in three things, and they are beautiful in the sight of God and of mortals: agreement among brothers and sisters, friendship among neighbors, and a wife and a husband who live in harmony.

The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

Haste is of the Devil; God works slowly.

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

Haste makes waste.

Make haste slowly. (Festina lente.)

What is done hastily cannot be done prudently.

Marry in haste and repent at leisure.

Fraud and deceit are always in haste.

Haste and anger hide gude counsel.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.

We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right.

Take care that no one hate you justly.

Let them hate, so long as they fear. (Oderint dum metuant.)

All men naturally hate each other.

What so great misery as to be hated, and to know that we deserve to be hated?

Men hate more steadily than they love.

Hatred is by far the longest pleasure;
Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure.

We must hate—hatred is the basis of Communism. Children must be taught to hate their parents if they are not Communists.

I hate nobody except Hitler—and that is professional.

Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; and neither feeling is quite within our control.

At the seasons of football and cockfighting, these little republicks reassume their national hatred to each other.

Headmasters have powers at their disposal with which Prime Ministers have never yet been invested.

Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.

If a man thinks about his physical or moral state, he nearly always discovers that he is ill.

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well.

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself.

Nearly all men die of their medicines, and not of their illnesses.

Sugar and alcohol are sweet poisons.

"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.

Leave the table hungry.
Leave the bed sleepy.
Leave the table thirsty.

Be not slow to visit the sick.

Preserving health by too severe a rule is a worrisome malady.

Health is not simply the absence of sickness.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

People are fed by the food industry, which pays no attention to health, and are treated by the health industry, which pays no attention to food.

In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life.

If you don't make time for your wellness, you'll be forced to make time for your illness.

Health … [dispensed] her gifts to those only who shared their lives in just proportions between Rest and Labour.

Among the innumerable follies, by which we lay up in our youth repentance and remorse for the succeeding part of our lives, there is scarce any against which warnings are of less efficacy, than the neglect of health.

Such is the power of health, that without its co-operation every other comfort is torpid and lifeless as the powers of vegetation without the sun.

It requires no great abilities to prove, that he loses pleasure who loses health.

Health is certainly more valuable than money, because it is by health that money is procured.

A sound mind in a sound body, is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.

There is a limit to the best of health: disease is always a near neighbor.

To lose one's health renders science null, art inglorious, strength unavailing, wealth useless, and eloquence powerless.

A man in good health is always full of advice to the sick.

Life is not merely being alive, but being well.

Look to your health, and if you have it, praise God, and value it next to a good conscience.

It is a boresome disease to try to keep health by following a too strict regimen.

The poorest man would not part with health for money, but the richest would gladly part with all their money for health.

What have I gained by health? Intolerable dullness. What by early hours and moderate meals? A total blank.

I still need more healthy rest in order to work at my best. My health is the main capital I have and I want to administer it intelligently.

Old people at the supermarket make you wonder about all those middle-aged people you see jogging the streets to preserve their vascular systems for another fifty years.

And about all the people of all ages all over the country who are eating less, drinking less, smoking less, driving safer and in general looking for a death-proof safety suit to get them over the peak years and down into the valley of old age fit to enjoy the fruits of their abstention and labor.

Will anybody care when they get there?

Hear much; speak little.

There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.

Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and joy may end in grief.

Let not your heart be troubled.

I prithee send me back my heart,
Since I cannot have thine;
For if from yours you will not part,
Why then shouldst thou have mine?

The mind is always the dupe of the heart.

A honey tongue, a heart of gall.

The heart, like the eye, is never satisfied.

Maid of Athens, ere we part,
Give, oh give me back my heart!

Look into any man’s heart you please, and you will always find, in every one, at least one black spot which he has to keep concealed

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.

In like manner I am persuaded also of all those of whom the Scripture says: "And he slept with his fathers," that they are all in heaven. For this word, slept, shows some good in the Scriptures.

Were the happiness of the next world as closely apprehended as the felicities of this, it were a martyrdom to live.

Heaven were not Heaven if we knew what it were.

Heaven is a cheap purchase, whatever it cost.

No man was ever scared into Heaven.

The way to Heaven is ascending; we must be content to travel up hill, though it be hard and tiresome, and contrary to the natural bias of our flesh.

If God were not willing to forgive sin Heaven would be empty.

Heaven for climate, hell for company.

Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.

Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
To reign is worth ambition though in hell:
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.

It is Hell, of course, that makes priests powerful, not Heaven, for after thousands of years of so-called civilization fear remains the one common denominator of mankind.

Who finds heaven on earth will end in hell.

I have friends in both places [Heaven and Hell].

The bell invites me.
Hear it not, Duncan; for it is a knell
That summons thee to heaven or to hell.

I desire to go to Hell, not to Heaven. In Hell I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, but in Heaven are only beggars, monks, hermits and apostles.

To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.

The words of the Hebrew tongue have a peculiar energy. It is impossible to convey so much so briefly in any other language.

It is astonishing that Hegel's reputation survived his absurd declaration that history had ended with Bonaparte's victory over Prussia at Jena in 1806. Yet Hegel went on to hold what was then the most enviable academic post in Germany, the chair of philosophy in Berlin, and to write much more clever and influential nonsense.

If you had not plowed with my heifer, you would not have solved my riddle.

What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

According to the faith and mercy of his Christian enemies, [Chosroes] sunk without hope into a still deeper abyss [Hell]; and it will not be denied, that tyrants of every age and sect are the best entitled to such infernal abodes.

I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.

How do you know that the earth isn’t some other planet’s hell?

I hold the gnashing of teeth of the damned to be an external pain following upon an evil conscience, that is, despair, when men see themselves abandoned by God.

What hell is, we know not; only this we know, that there is such a sure and certain place, as is written of the rich glutton, when Abraham said unto him: "There is a great space between you and us."

This miserable state is borne by the wretched souls of those who lived without disgrace and without praise.

The gates of hell are open night and day;
Smooth the descent, and easy is the way.

(Facilis descensus Averni,
Noctes atque dies patet atri janua Ditis.)

Long is the way
And hard, that out of hell leads up to light.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretenses.

Through me is the way to the sorrowful city.
Through me is the way to eternal suffering.
Through me is the way to join the lost people …
Abandon all hope, you who enter!

(Per me si va nella città dolente,
Per me si va nell' eterno dolore,
Per me si va tra la perduta gente …
Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate!)

Hell is a city much like London—
A populous and smoky city.

There is wishful thinking in Hell as well as on Earth.

The safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

Help yourself, and heaven will help you. (Aide-toi, le ciel t'aidera.)

Like Jesus Christ himself, Henry [III] was as wise on the day of his birth as he would ever be.

Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one.

When I lay sucking at my mother's breast, I had no notion how I should afterwards eat, drink, or live. Even so we on earth have no idea what the life to come will be.

Helvétius maintains that men are born with approximately the same talents. This is contradicted by experience. The character of men is fixed indelibly at birth.

There is something frightful in the way in which not only characteristic qualities, but particular manifestations of them, are repeated from generation to generation.

Heresies perish not with their authors, but, like the river Arethusa, though they lose their currents in one place, they rise up again in another.

From all false doctrine, heresy, and schism, Good Lord, deliver us.

Among theologians heretics are those who are not backed with a sufficient array of battalions to render them orthodox.

We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

But heroes are not reckless or foolhardy. … A sensible hero fights bravely when he needs to do so; but first he fights prudently in order to avoid fighting bravely.

No man's a hero to himself.

There are heroes of evil as well as of good.

No man is a hero to his valet.

Whoe'er excels in what we prize,
Appears a hero in our eyes.

A light supper, a good night's sleep, and a fine morning have sometimes made a hero of the same man who, by an indigestion, a restless night, and rainy morning would have proved a coward.

Everyone is the chief personage, the hero, of his own baptism, his own wedding, and his own funeral.

No man is a hero to his own wife; no woman is a wife to her own hero.

Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes!
Galileo: No. Unhappy the land that needs heroes.

Since it is so likely that [children] will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

It was involuntary. They sank my boat.

Times of heroism are generally times of terror.

Heroism is the brilliant triumph of the soul over the flesh: that is to say, over fear: fear of poverty, of suffering, of calumny, of sickness, of isolation, and of death.

Everyone has something to hide.

Even a fool may be wise after the event.

Their hindsight was better than their foresight.

The revolution of ages may bring round the same calamities; but ages may revolve without producing a Tacitus to describe them.

History does not have sides, although historians do.

How many fine actions of the old time have remained unknown, for want of an historian to record them.

It is natural for a good man to love his country and his friends, and to hate the enemies of both. But when he writes history he must abandon such feelings, and be prepared to praise enemies who deserve it and to censure the dearest and most intimate friends.

The first law is that the historian shall never dare to set down what is false; the second, that he shall never dare to conceal the truth; the third, that there shall be no suspicion in his work of either favoritism or prejudice.

If an historian were to relate truthfully all the crimes, weaknesses and disorders of mankind, his readers would take his work for satire rather than for history.

The man who ventures to write contemporary history must expect to be attacked both for everything he has said and everything he has not said.

Don't brood on what's past, but never forget it either.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

History, n. An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

History … is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.

History's lessons are no more enlightening than the wisdom of those who interpret them.

History repeats itself; historians repeat one other.

The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. It is sobering, too, to find huge and frightening errors constantly repeated; lessons painfully learnt forgotten in the space of a generation; and the accumulated wisdom of the past heedlessly ignored in every society, and at all times.

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. [emphasis added]

The voice of history [is] often little more than the organ of hatred or flattery.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

The interpretation of history is forever in flux, as much reflection of the present as window on the past.

From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue.

So obscure are the greatest events, as some take for granted any hearsay, whatever its source, others turn truth into falsehood, and both errors find encouragement with posterity.

[We should] suspend our belief of every tale that deviates from the laws of nature and the character of man.

History is a pack of tricks the living play upon the dead.

There are no inevitabilities in history.

There is no logic or justice in history. It is all a matter of chronology.

There is no such person as History. It is human beings who decree.

Reality cannot for long be banished from history. Facts have a way of making their presence felt.

What is important in history is not only the events that occur but the events that obstinately do not occur.

The historian of the modern world is sometimes tempted to reach the depressing conclusion that progress is destructive of certitude. In the eighteenth and the nineteenth centuries the Western elites were confident that men and progress were governed by reason. A prime discovery of modern times is that reason plays little part in our affairs.

History isn't like that. History unravels gently, like an old sweater. It has been patched and darned many times, reknitted to suit different people, shoved in a box under the sink of censorship to be cut up for the dusters of propaganda, yet it always—eventually—manages to spring back into its old familiar shape. History has a habit of changing the people who think they are changing it. History always has a few tricks up its frayed sleeve. It's been around a long time.

If one but tell a thing well, it moves on with undying voice, and over the fruitful earth and across the sea goes the bright gleam of noble deeds ever unquenchable.

Unsung, the noblest deed will die.

[Historians] know how things turned out. The people who made the history didn't know how things would turn out, and you can't understand their thinking or actions without keeping that in mind.

The more I study history, the more convinced I am that what happens is influenced as much by the willpower of key individuals as by the underlying pressure of collective forces.

The present is continually in process of becoming the past: the frontier of history ends only with yesterday's newspaper.

History is more or less bunk. It's tradition. We don't want tradition. We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's damn is the history we make today.

We are much beholden to Machiavel and others, that write what men do, and not what they ought to do.

The aim of history is to assemble real facts and real speeches, to the end that lovers of knowledge may be instructed and persuaded.

History is the witness of the times, the torch of truth, the life of memory, the teacher of life, the messenger of antiquity.

History is philosophy teaching by examples.

History, the longer it runs, contracts the more filth, and retains in it the additional ordure of every soil through which it passes.

History can be well written only in a free country.

My dear Smollett disgraces his talent by writing those stupid romances commonly called history.

On whatever side we regard the history of Europe, we shall perceive it to be a tissue of crimes, follies, and misfortunes.

Happy is the nation that has no history.

All history, so far as it is not supported by contemporary evidence, is romance.

That certain kings reigned and certain battles were fought we can depend upon as true, but all the coloring, all the philosophy of history is conjecture.

This is my history; like all other histories, a narrative of misery.

The histories of mankind that we possess are histories only of the higher classes.

I am determined to apply myself to a study that is hateful and disgusting to my very soul, but which is, above all studies, necessary for him who would be listened to as a mender of antiquated abuses. I mean that record of crimes and miseries—history.

History fades into fable; fact becomes clouded with doubt and controversy; the inscription molders from the tablet: the statue falls from the pedestal. Columns, arches, pyramids, what are they but heaps of sand; and their epitaphs, but characters written in the dust?

The public history of all countries, and all ages, is but a sort of mask, richly colored. The interior working of the machinery must be foul.

I should like much to tell the truth; but if I did, I should be torn to pieces, here or abroad.

Peoples and government have never learned anything from history, or acted on principles deducible from it.

Histories are a kind of distilled newspapers.

The two parties which divide the state, the party of conservatism and that of innovation, are very old, and have disputed the possession of the world ever since it was made. This quarrel is the subject of civil history.

The only history worth reading is that written. at the time of which it treats, the history of what was done and seen, heard out of the mouths of the men who did and saw.

There is no law of history any more than of a kaleidoscope.

Happy the people whose annals are blank in history-books.

When a history book contains no lies it is always tedious.

People think too historically. They are always living half in a cemetery.

Of all history the most instructive to a man is his own.

The nation which produced this great historian, has the grief of seeing his genius employed upon a foreign and uninteresting subject; and that writer who might have secured perpetuity to his name, by a history of his own country, has exposed himself to the danger of oblivion, by recounting enterprises and revolutions, of which none desire to be informed.

What experience and history teach is this—that people and governments never have learned anything from history, or acted on principles deduced from it.

What are all the records of history, but narratives of successive villanies, of treasons and usurpations, massacres and wars?

Writers the most learned, the most accurate in details, and the soundest in tendency, frequently fall into a habit which can neither be cured nor pardoned,—the habit of making history into the proof of their theories.

History is philosophy from examples.

We are always coming up with the emphatic facts of history in our private experience and verifying them here. All history becomes subjective; in other words, there is properly no history; only biography.

The happiest women, like the happiest nations, have no history.

History is past politics, and politics is present history.

War makes rattling good history; but Peace is poor reading.

What experience and history teach is this—that nations and governments have never learned anything from history, or acted upon any lessons they might have drawn from it.

Americans treat history like a cookbook. Whenever they are uncertain what to do next, they turn to history and look up the proper recipe, invariably designated "the lesson of history."

It takes a great deal of history to produce a little literature.

Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you.

Each age writes the history of the past anew with reference to the conditions uppermost in its own time.

If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.

That man for a Chancellor? I'll make him a postmaster and he can lick the stamps with my head on them.

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work.

Better than the rest of us, they [the Jews] sensed what was ahead for their people.

[I]t is a horrible thing that a race of people [the Jews in Germany] should be attempted to be blotted out of the society in which they have been born, that from their earliest years little children should be segregated and that they should be exposed to scorn and odium.

Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

This agglomeration which was called and which still calls itself the Holy Roman Empire is neither holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire.

'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

Charity and beating begins at home.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.

Such is the patriot's boast, where'er we roam,
His first, best country ever is, at home.

A man who has not read Homer is like a man who has not seen the ocean. There is a great object of which he has no idea.

It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

In my father's time they hanged you for it [homosexuality]. When I was a lad they put you in prison for it. Now it's legal. I hope I die before they make it compulsory.

Every man has his fault, and honesty is his.

No man is really honest; none of us is above the influence of gain.

In an honest man there is always something of a child.

Honesty is but an art to seem so.

To be honest is nothing; the reputation of it is all.

Honest men fear neither the light nor the dark.

Honesty is a fine jewel, but much out of fashion.

Our great error is that we suppose mankind more honest than they are.

The natural man has a difficult time getting along in this world. Half the people think he is a scoundrel because he is not a hypocrite.

They surfeited with honey and began
To loathe the taste of sweetness, whereof a little
More than a little is by much too much.

Honeymoon: applied to those married persons that love well at first, and decline in affection afterward; it is honey now, but it will change as the moon.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.

It was no longer esteemed infamous for a Roman to survive his honor and independence.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

Honor is like an island, rugged and without a beach; once we have left it, we can never return.

Let us honour if we can
The vertical man
Though we value none
But the horizontal one.

All is lost save honor.

He who has lost honor can lose nothing more.

Mine honor is my life; both grow in one;
Take honor from me and my life is done.

See that you come
Not to woo honor, but to wed it.

If honor cannot restrain a man, virtue will not.

When honor's lost, 'tis a relief to die;
Death's but a sure retreat from infamy.

The honor that is lost in a moment cannot be restored in a hundred years.

Of all I had, only honour and life have been spared. (De toutes choses ne m'est demeuré que l'honneur et la vie qui est saulve.)

It is not he who has many possessions that you should call blessed: he more rightly deserves that name who knows how to use the gods' gifts wisely and to endure harsh poverty, and who fears dishonour more than death.

(Non possidentem multa vocaveris
Recte beatum: rectius occupat
Nomen beati, qui deorum
Muneribus sapienter uti
Duramque callet pauperiem pati
Peiusque leto flagitium timet.)

Honour! tut, a breath,
There's no such thing in nature; a mere term
Invented to awe fools.

Not every thing which the law allows is honorable. (Non omne quod licet honestum est.)

Be honorable yourself if you wish to associate with honorable people.

He had that rare weird electricity about him—that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally."

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.

So farewell hope, and with hope, farewell fear,
Farewell remorse; all good to me is lost;
Evil, be thou my good.

But things will be better one day; they cannot always remain as now; let us have patience, and steadfastly remain by the pure doctrine, and not fall away from it, notwithstanding all this misery.

As wisdom without courage is futile, even so faith without hope is nothing worth; for hope endures and overcomes misfortune and evil.

The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope.

The miserable have no other medicine
But only hope.

Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, of sickness, or captivity, would, without this comfort, be insupportable.

Hope is itself a species of happiness, and, perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords: but, like all other pleasures immoderately enjoyed, the excesses of hope must be expiated by pain; and expectations improperly indulged must end in disappointment. If it be asked, what is the improper expectation which it is dangerous to indulge, experience will quickly answer, that it is such expectation as is dictated not by reason, but by desire; expectation raised, not by the common occurrences of life, but by the wants of the expectant; an expectation that requires the common course of things to be changed, and the general rules of action to be broken.

Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.

There is no man who does not hope for something which he has not, though perhaps his wishes lie unactive, because he foresees the difficulty of attainment.

My only hope lies in my despair.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast:
Man never is, but always to be blest.

While there's life there's hope.

A ship ought not to be held by one anchor, nor life by a single hope.

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope. No husbandman would sow one grain of corn if he hoped not it would grow up and become seed; no bachelor would marry a wife if he hoped not to have children; no merchant or tradesman would set himself to work if he did not hope to reap benefit thereby.

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

He who lives on hope will die fasting.

Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair.

He that wants hope is the poorest man alive.

It is necessary to hope, though hope should always be deluded; for hope itself is happiness, and its frustrations, however frequent, are yet less dreadful than its extinction.

We should deal with ourselves as a wise physician is said to have dealt with his patients: those who were incurable lost their lives, but they never lost hope.

The last thing ever lost is hope.

While I breathe, I hope. (Dum spiro, spero.)

The day is always coming to the servile in which they shall be powerful, to the obscure in which they shall be eminent, and to the deformed in which they shall be beautiful.

None would live past years again,
Yet all hope pleasure in what yet remain;
And, from the dregs of life, think to receive,
What the first sprightly running could not give.

I essay much, I hope little, I ask nothing.

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.

Life's short span forbids us to enter on far-reaching hopes. (Vitae summa brevis spem nos vetat incohare longam.)

There is nothing so well known as that we should not expect something for nothing—but we all do and call it Hope.

I found I could extinguish all human hope from my soul.

Is there no hope? the sick man said;
The silent doctor shook his head.

The setting of a great hope is like the setting of the sun. The brightness of our life is gone.

Something was dead in each of us,
And what was dead was hope.

They say princes learn no art truly, but the art of horsemanship. The reason is, the brave beast is no flatterer. He will throw a prince as soon as his groom.

Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.

Don't set up for what is called hospitality. If your house be like an inn, nobody cares for you. A man who stays a week with another makes him a slave for a week.

Hostesses who entertain much must make up their parties as ministers make up their cabinets, on grounds other than personal liking.

The great advantage of a hotel is that it’s a refuge from home life.

An hour may destroy what an age was building.

An hour-glass is a reminder not only of time's quick flight, but also of the dust to which we must at last return.

For a man's house is his castle. (et domus sua cuique tutissimum refugium.)

Old houses mended,
Cost little less than new before they’re ended.

I prefer houses to the open air. In a house we all feel of the proper proportions. Everything is subordinated to us, fashioned for our use and our pleasure.

The best way to realize the pleasure of feeling rich is to live in a smaller house than your means would entitle you to have.

The owner has one house, the renter a thousand.

There is nowhere in the world where sleep is so deep as in the libraries of the House of Commons.

Here lies a poor woman, who always was tired;
She lived in a house where help was not hired,
Her last words on earth were: "Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain't done, nor sweeping, nor sewing;
But everything there is exact to my wishes;
For where they don't eat there's no washing of dishes."

Few tasks are more like the torture of Sisyphus than housework, with its endless repetition. housewife wears herself out marking time: she makes nothing, simply perpetuates the present.

I am a man; and nothing human is foreign to me. (Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.)

Civilized ages inherit the human nature which was victorious in barbarous ages, and that nature is, in many respects, not at all suited to civilized circumstances.

Human nature is the same all over the world, but its operations are so varied by education and habit that one must see it in all its dresses in order to be entirely acquainted with it.

All men are born with a sufficiently violent liking for domination, wealth and pleasure, and with much taste for idleness; consequently, all men want the money and the wives or daughters of others, to be their master, to subject them to all their caprices, and to do nothing, or at least to do only very agreeable things.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Knowledge of human nature is the beginning and end of political education.

When any man is more stupidly vain and outrageously egotistic than his fellows, he will hide his hideousness in humanitarianism.

The type and formula of most schemes of philanthropy or humanitarianism is this: A and B put their heads together to decide what C shall be made to do for D. … I call C the Forgotten Man.

Machiavelli, however, took his bearings from people as they are. He defined the political project as making the best of this flawed material. He knew (in words Kant would write almost three centuries later) that nothing straight would be made from the crooked timber of humanity.

Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.

It's hard to be humble when you are as great as I am.

Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.

Humility is a virtue all preach, none practice; and yet everybody is content to hear.

The higher we are placed, the more we should be humble.

There is something in humility which strangely exalts the heart.

Plenty of people want to be pious, but no one yearns to be humble.

Humility is often only a feigned submission, of which we make use to render others submissive. It is an artifice of pride which abases in order to exalt itself.

A fault which humbles a man is of more use to him than a good action which puffs him up.

Life is a long lesson in humility.

And the Devil did grin, for his darling sin
Is that apes humility.

“I beseech ye in the bowels of Christ, think that ye may be mistaken.” I should like to have that written over the portals of every church, every school, and every courthouse, and, may I say, of every legislative body in the United States. I should like to have every court begin, “I beseech ye in the bowels of Christ, think that we may be mistaken.”

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

Humour is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.

The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.

Funny people are usually funny for unfunny reasons.

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Now everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor …

Ginsberg's Theorem (Generalized Laws of Thermodynamics):

1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" … What's my mother going to do?

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
Teacher: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, shmod, I want my monkey-man!

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.

Boy, life takes a long time to live.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

The other day I … uh, no, that wasn't me.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.

It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle—his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Homer: Trying is the first step toward failure.

Grandpa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

After handing him a report card filled with F's, the boy asked his father, "Do you think the problem is my heredity or my upbringing?"

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

Marge: Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did …
Homer: I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to [himself], "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Lenny: Date night, it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should have given you that Egyptology book.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Homer: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?

Homer: Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey [the daycare director]. If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.

Mindy: Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Homer: Well, maybe I want to [have sex]. Then I think about Marge and the kids … well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling motion] …

Homer: That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Stress is caused by suppressing the urge to beat the crap out of someone who desperately needs it.

Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love daddy. Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives. And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.

Bart: You don't look like a mom. You look happy.

Bode: What's up. I'm Bode. Do you surf?
Milhouse: No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids. So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bode: That's cool.
Milhouse: No … it's not cool.

He's a 17-year-old boy … He doesn't have any innermost thoughts, and if he did, you wouldn't want to know what they [are] and neither would I.

Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win.

I drove [to the airport] like an old man drives through a farmer's market, ignoring all laws of man, nature, and God.

[Somehow] free food at the workplace turns everyone into a bear at Yellowstone Park.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

Possum played chicken
with a car
Not playing dead now.

For dads, a family vacation is a 24-hour a day baby sitting job.

Breaking news from the Middle East: Bearded men throwing rocks, yelling.

You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy, which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it's hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

Penny: Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It's called the comfort zone for a reason.

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.

Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.

Nut tightening stages: Loose, tight, tighter, very tight, over tight, loose.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad choices.

Lisa: (explaining to Homer) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!

Ralphie: Daddy, how come you're not at work?
Wiggum: I don't know. How come you're not at school?
Ralphie: My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Wiggum: Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie, so am I.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I installed a skylight in my apartment … the people who live above me are furious!

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Anything worth doing has a slight risk of decapitation.

Always be yourself …
Unless you can be Batman—then always be Batman.

I just spent my day playing a toy, in a movie about toys who do horrible things to each other.

Homer: I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer with candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh … well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear … fear and surprise … our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency … our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope … our four … no … Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise … I'll come in again.

No sex, please—we're British.

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here [the AA meeting] because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: [screams and jumps through the window]

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

Student 1: Do you think most students on campus are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual?
Student 2: I think most students are autosexual.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it … and he's always on time.

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, Who knows?

[Homer is eating from a bag of flour]
Marge: Oh honey, don’t eat that. Wouldn’t you rather have your sugar bag?
Homer: No. I don’t deserve sugar.

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!

Asok: Alice, do you have any valuable career advice?
Alice: Work so hard that it destroys your health and crowds out any chance of having a personal life.
Asok: Wouldn't that make me … unhappy?
Alice: You didn't ask for happiness advice.

lockdown, n. Middle-class people hiding while working-class people bring them things.

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.

Why are you the way that you are?

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish, he'd stay away.

Plant Counselor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!
Plant Counselor: They prefer the Sunshine State.

Don't wait till your deathbed to tell people how you feel. Tell them to fuck off now.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo inglés.'

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for you, though. Or, sorry that happened.

I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.

Am I working at my regular capacity? No. But am I prioritizing and taking care of the most important tasks? No. But am I at least taking care of myself and my mental health? Also no.

Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny: Huh. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Adam: So, how did your audition for the morning TV show go?
Jimmy: Not well. They want me to be likable to women across the country. … My wife doesn't like me.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

"They can ta'k our lives but they can never ta'k our freedom!" Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker.

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm." At the time this was the last thing on my mind.

"Whose side are they on?" said Brocando.
"Sides? Their own, I suppose, just like everyone else."

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

No one is coming to save you.

You are the adult.

I'm so sorry.

It's not imposter syndrome.

You really do suck at everything.

Stop overthinking.

You are the only one who cares.

Don't be sad.

You're making everyone uncomfortable.

Things didn't work out for a reason.

The reason is you make terrible decisions.

Whenever someone asks how you are, just make up a lie like: "I'm okay."

No one wants to hear about your problems.

Take a moment to be grateful for all that you have.

Okay, now back to wishing everything was different.

The life you want is outside your comfort zone.

So I guess you'll be sticking with this one, then.

You can do it!

But you probably won't.

It gets easier.

Eventually you just stop giving a fuck.

If I knew back then what I know now I would've just fucked up my life differently.

This [soccer] match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!

Homer: Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.
Lisa: That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!

Grandpa: (talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's a dumb as a chimp.

You will never be alone.

All of the stupid things you've ever said and done will always be there to haunt you.

You can be anything that you want.

And yet you keep choosing to be you you.

I admire your dedication to the role.

You are not alone.

Everyone else is disappointed in you too.

A person's true nature is revealed when something takes a few seconds longer than it normally does.

Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.

Oh, I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired. Also, I can’t sleep, I’m overeating and none of my old hobbies interest me.

[Talking on the phone:] I know, but this guy doing the flying has no airline experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air. … Yes, birds, too.

It was a rough place—the seediest dive on the wharf, populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.

1. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
2. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
3. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
4. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!

Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked? … Do you like movies about gladiators?
…
Oveur: Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another.

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Homer: Ohh! I hate folding sheets.
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job.

Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.

All Fungi are edible.

Some fungi are only edible once.

Wherever there is a Hungarian there is a quarrel.

A hungry man is an angry man.

Better cross an angry man than a hungry man.

Hunger is the first course of a good dinner.

It is very strange, and very melancholy, that the paucity of human pleasures should persuade us ever to call hunting one of them.

There is no one exercise that enableth the body more for the wars than hunting, by teaching you to endure heat, cold, hunger, thirst, to rise early, watch late, lie and fare badly.

Detested sport [hunting],
That owes its pleasures to another's pain.

Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry.

Whoever is in a hurry shows that the thing he is about is too big for him.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

He would grab me in his arms, hold me close—and tell me how wonderful he was.

Husbands are not adults. They are people who pay for things but are still somehow burdens.

Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it.

There's no form of prayer in the Liturgy against bad husbands.

I have known many single men I should have liked in my life (if it had suited them) for a husband; but very few husbands have I ever wished was mine.

Some men are husbands merely because some women disliked to be called old maids.

Nay, for my part I always despised Mr Tattle of all things; nothing but his being my husband could have made me like him less.

Personally, I can't see why it would be any less romantic to find a husband in a nice four-colour catalogue than in the average downtown bar at happy hour.

Being a husband is a whole-time job.

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason—there's a reason.

A wife must worship her husband as if he were a god, though he may be without virtue or other good qualities, and seek pleasure with other women.

A good wife maketh a good husband.

Every married woman shall be free from bodily correction or stripes by her husband, unless it be in his own defence upon her assault.

When the wife drinks to the husband all is well.

Husband! thou dull unpitied miscreant,
Wedded to noise, to misery, and want;
Sold an eternal vassal for thy life,
Oblig'd to cherish and to heat a wife:
Repeat thy loath'd embraces every night
Prompted to act by duty not delight.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are the more they're valued.

Emperors are only husbands in wives' eyes.

It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they are alone.

The industrious husbandman plants trees of which he himself will never see a berry.

The speaking in a perpetual hyperbole is comely in nothing but in love.

The one being abhorrent to the powers above the earth and under them is the hyphenated American the German-American, the Irish-American, or the native-American. Be American, pure and simple.

Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds.

I don't like hypocrisy, but I fear a world without it. As long as it continues to exist, it means that standards continue to exist. You can only have hypocrisy when you have standards.

Nothing is more unjust, however common, than to charge with hypocrisy him that expresses zeal for those virtues which he neglects to practise; since he may be sincerely convinced of the advantages of conquering his passions, without having yet obtained the victory, as a man may be confident of the advantages of a voyage, or a journey, without having courage or industry to undertake it, and may honestly recommend to others, those attempts which he neglects himself.

Hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue.

One may smile, and smile, and be a villain.

The hypocrite doth vizard all his villainy with the mask or veil of virtue.

Hypocrisy at the fashionable end of the town is very different from hypocrisy in the city. The modish hypocrite endeavors to appear more vicious than he really is; the other kind of hypocrite more virtuous.

For hysterical maidens I prescribe marriage, for they are cured by pregnancy.