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Cool Quotes - H


Coming down with something? Please. You reek of booze and bullshit. Don't lie to a Kentuckian about drinking or horses, son.
Samuel Halpern


Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.
Bertrand Russell

We are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?
Charles M. Schulz

Happiness? That's nothing more than health and a poor memory.
Albert Schweitzer

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
Agnes Repplier

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.
Anne Frank

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happy is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Laurence J. Peter

The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
H. L. Mencken

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.
George Bernard Shaw

When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness … I was right.
Gahan Wilson

Hollywood is where, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
Rex Reed

Boethius might have been styled happy, if that precarious epithet could be safely applied before the last term of the life of man.
Edward Gibbon

There is no device whatever to be invented for securing happiness without industry, economy, and virtue.
William Graham Sumner

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.
Bertrand Russell

The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.
Bertrand Russell

The only happy people I know are people I don't know well.
Helen Telushkin

Happiness is a serious problem.
Dennis Prager, title of his book on happiness

But man is not born for happiness.
Samuel Johnson

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
Martha Washington


Haste is of the devil. Slowness is of God.
H. L. Mencken

If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
John Wooden

Make haste slowly
Author unidentified


Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
Eric Hoffer

We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right.
Don Lemon


Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.

If a man thinks about his physical or moral state, he nearly always discovers that he is ill.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world.
Paul Dudley White

What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
George Dennison Prentice

I'm not sick, but I'm not well.
Harvey Danger

Use your health, even to the point of wearing it out. That is what it is for. Spend all you have before you die; and do not outlive yourself.
George Bernard Shaw

Nearly all men die of their medicines, and not of their illnesses.

Sugar and alcohol are sweet poisons.
Author unidentified

"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
Author unidentified

Leave the table hungry.
Leave the bed sleepy.
Leave the table thirsty.
Irish Recipe for Longevity, Author unidentified

Be not slow to visit the sick.
Ecclesiasticus 7:39

Preserving health by too severe a rule is a worrisome malady.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Health is not simply the absence of sickness.
Hannah Green

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Robert Orben

People are fed by the food industry, which pays no attention to health, and are treated by the health industry, which pays no attention to food.
Wendell Berry

In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life.
John Diamond

If you don't make time for your wellness, you'll be forced to make time for your illness.
Author unidentified


There is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.
Theodore Roosevelt

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.
Mignon McLaughlin

As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft.
H. L. Mencken

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.
Proverbs 14:10

Even in laughter the heart may ache,
and joy may end in grief.
Proverbs 14:13

Let not your heart be troubled …
John 14:1 (KJV)

Heaven And Hell

Heaven for climate, hell for company.
James M. Barrie

Everyone who has ever built anywhere a "new heaven" first found the power thereto in his own hell.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Here we may reign secure, and in my choice
To reign is worth ambition though in hell:
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.
John Milton

What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?
Mark 8:36

Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Mark Twain

May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you're dead.
Irish Proverb

It is Hell, of course, that makes priests powerful, not Heaven, for after thousands of years of so-called civilization fear remains the one common denominator of mankind.
H. L. Mencken

Cerberus, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance—against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
William Shakespeare

Who finds heaven on earth will end in hell.
Daniel Mark Epstein

According to the faith and mercy of his Christian enemies, [Chosroes] sunk without hope into a still deeper abyss [Hell]; and it will not be denied, that tyrants of every age and sect are the best entitled to such infernal abodes.
Edward Gibbon

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Dante Alighieri

I always say, as you know, that if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It's my job.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I have friends in both places [Heaven and Hell].
Mark Twain

How do you know that the earth isn’t some other planet’s hell?
Aldous Huxley


It is astonishing that Hegel's reputation survived his absurd declaration that history had ended with Bonaparte's victory over Prussia at Jena in 1806. Yet Hegel went on to hold what was then the most enviable academic post in Germany, the chair of philosophy in Berlin, and to write much more clever and influential nonsense.
Paul Johnson

Henry III

Like Jesus Christ himself, Henry [III] was as wise on the day of his birth as he would ever be.
Author unidentified


We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (Attributed)

But heroes are not reckless or foolhardy. … A sensible hero fights bravely when he needs to do so; but first he fights prudently in order to avoid fighting bravely.
John O'Sullivan

No man's a hero to himself.
Ray Bradbury


Even a fool may be wise after the event.


The revolution of ages may bring round the same calamities; but ages may revolve without producing a Tacitus to describe them.
Edward Gibbon

History does not have sides, although historians do.
Jay Nordlinger


Don't brood on what's past, but never forget it either.
Thomas H. Raddall

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
George Santayana

History, n. An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

History … is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.
Edward Gibbon

[The] Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire …
Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)

History's lessons are no more enlightening than the wisdom of those who interpret them.
David Schoenbrun

History repeats itself; historians repeat one other.
Rupert Brooke

The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover how many of our glib assumptions, which seem to us novel and plausible, have been tested before, not once but many times and in innumerable guises; and discovered to be, at great human cost, wholly false. It is sobering, too, to find huge and frightening errors constantly repeated; lessons painfully learnt forgotten in the space of a generation; and the accumulated wisdom of the past heedlessly ignored in every society, and at all times.
Paul Johnson

Anybody can make history. Only a great man can write it.
Oscar Wilde

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. [emphasis added]
Will Durant

The voice of history [is] often little more than the organ of hatred or flattery.
Edward Gibbon

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
Winston Churchill

The interpretation of history is forever in flux, as much reflection of the present as window on the past.
Andrew Stuttaford

From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue.
Edward Gibbon

So obscure are the greatest events, as some take for granted any hearsay, whatever its source, others turn truth into falsehood, and both errors find encouragement with posterity.

[We should] suspend our belief of every tale that deviates from the laws of nature and the character of man.
Edward Gibbon

History is a pack of tricks the living play upon the dead.
Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)

There are no inevitabilities in history.
Paul Johnson

… there is no logic or justice in history. It is all a matter of chronology.
Paul Johnson

There is no such person as History. It is human beings who decree.
Paul Johnson

… reality cannot for long be banished from history. Facts have a way of making their presence felt.
Paul Johnson

What is important in history is not only the events that occur but the events that obstinately do not occur.
Paul Johnson

… the historian of the modern world is sometimes tempted to reach the depressing conclusion that progress is destructive of certitude. In the eighteenth and the nineteenth centuries the Western elites were confident that men and progress were governed by reason. A prime discovery of modern times is that reason plays little part in our affairs.
Paul Johnson

History isn't like that. History unravels gently, like an old sweater. It has been patched and darned many times, reknitted to suit different people, shoved in a box under the sink of censorship to be cut up for the dusters of propaganda, yet it always—eventually—manages to spring back into its old familiar shape. History has a habit of changing the people who think they are changing it. History always has a few tricks up its frayed sleeve. It's been around a long time.
Terry Pratchett

If one but tell a thing well, it moves on with undying voice, and over the fruitful earth and across the sea goes the bright gleam of noble deeds ever unquenchable.

Unsung, the noblest deed will die.

[Historians] know how things turned out. The people who made the history didn't know how things would turn out, and you can't understand their thinking or actions without keeping that in mind.
Bernard Bailyn, paraphrased

The more I study history, the more convinced I am that what happens is influenced as much by the willpower of key individuals as by the underlying pressure of collective forces.
Paul Johnson

The present is continually in process of becoming the past: the frontier of history ends only with yesterday's newspaper.
Paul Johnson


Better than the rest of us, they [the Jews] sensed what was ahead for their people.
H. L. Mencken


'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;
John Howard Payne


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Cato the Elder (Marcus Porcius Cato)

It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.
André Gide

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
Mark Twain

It was no longer esteemed infamous for a Roman to survive his honor and independence.
Edward Gibbon

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.
Thomas Jefferson, et al.

Honor is like an island, rugged and without a beach; once we have left it, we can never return.
Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux

Let us honour if we can
The vertical man
Though we value none
But the horizontal one.
W. H. Auden


He had that rare weird electricity about him—that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally."
Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
H. Jackson Brown Jr.

So farewell hope, and with hope, farewell fear,
Farewell remorse; all good to me is lost;
Evil, be thou my good …
John Milton

Abandon all hope, you who enter here (Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate).

He that lives upon Hope will die fasting.
Author unidentified


When any man is more stupidly vain and outrageously egotistic than his fellows, he will hide his hideousness in humanitarianism.
George Moore

The type and formula of most schemes of philanthropy or humanitarianism is this: A and B put their heads together to decide what C shall be made to do for D. … I call C the Forgotten Man.
William Graham Sumner


Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's a joke about that: A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he's nobody!"
Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
Rick Warren


Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
E. B. White

Humour is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
Romain Gary

The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain

Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act.
Marty Feldman

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.
A. P. Herbert

Funny people are usually funny for unfunny reasons.
Josh Peck

Humorous Quotations

Ginsberg's Theorem:
  1. You can't win.
  2. You can't break even.
  3. You can't even quit the game.
Author unidentified

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" … What's my mother going to do?
Stephen Wright

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
The Simpsons

Boy, life takes a long time to live.
Stephen Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Stephen Wright

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

The other day I … uh, no, that wasn't me.
Stephen Wright

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Stephen Wright

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Stephen Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Stephen Wright

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Author unidentified

It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.
Lord Birkett

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Author unidentified

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.
Joseph Heller

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Author unidentified

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Author unidentified

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Author unidentified

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
Author unidentified

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle—his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
The Simpsons

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Author unidentified

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
The Simpsons

Homer: Trying is the first step toward failure.
The Simpsons

Grandpa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
The Simpsons

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Stephen Wright

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M. Schulz

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

After handing him a report card filled with F's, the boy asked his father, "Do you think the problem is my heredity or my upbringing?"
Author unidentified

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
Steven Wright

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Author unidentified

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.
Dilbert (Scott Adams)

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes

Marge: Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
The Simpsons

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did …
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.
The Simpsons

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to [himself], "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
George Carlin

Lenny: Date night, it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should have given you that Egyptology book.
The Simpsons

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Author unidentified

Homer: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
The Simpsons

Homer: Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
The Simpsons

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
The Simpsons

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey [the daycare director]. If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
The Simpsons

Mindy: Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Homer: Well, maybe I want to [have sex]. Then I think about Marge and the kids … well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling motion] …
The Simpsons

Homer: That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.
The Simpsons

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry

Stress is caused by suppressing the urge to beat the crap out of someone who desperately needs it.
Author unidentified

Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love daddy. Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives. And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.
The Simpsons

Bart: You don't look like a mom. You look happy.
The Simpsons

Bode: What's up. I'm Bode. Do you surf?
Milhouse: No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids. So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bode: That's cool.
Milhouse: No … it's not cool.
The Simpsons

He's a 17-year-old boy … He doesn't have any innermost thoughts, and if he did, you wouldn't want to know what they [are] and neither would I.
Andrew Ferguson

Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
The Simpsons

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win.
The Simpsons

I drove [to the airport] like an old man drives through a farmer's market, ignoring all laws of man, nature, and God.
Adam Carolla

[Somehow] free food at the workplace turns everyone into a bear at Yellowstone Park.
Adam Carolla

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
Adam Carolla

Possum played chicken
with a car
Not playing dead now.
Jack Kerouac

For dads, a family vacation is a 24-hour a day baby sitting job.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Breaking news from the Middle East: Bearded men throwing rocks, yelling.
Author unidentified

You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy, which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it's hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin

Penny: Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It's called the comfort zone for a reason.
The Big Bang Theory

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.
Justin Halpern

In my father's time they hanged you for it [homosexuality]. When I was a lad they put you in prison for it. Now it's legal. I hope I die before they make it compulsory.
Author unidentified

Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Big Bang Theory

Nut tightening stages: Loose, tight, tighter, very tight, over tight, loose.
Author unidentified

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Author unidentified

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad choices.
Author unidentified

Lisa: (explaining to Homer) Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!
The Simpsons

Ralphie: Daddy, how come you're not at work?
Wiggum: I don't know. How come you're not at school?
Ralphie: My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Wiggum: Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie, so am I.
The Simpsons

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment … the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

Anything worth doing has a slight risk of decapitation.
Nick Offerman (when talking about working with a dangerous saw)

Always be yourself …
Unless you can be Batman—then always be Batman.
Author unidentified

I just spent my day playing a toy, in a movie about toys who do horrible things to each other.
Orson Welles, on his role as Unicorn in "The Transformers: The Movie"

Homer: I'm feeling kind of low, Apu. Got any of that beer with candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau.
Apu: Such a product does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh … well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
The Simpsons

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise—surprise and fear … fear and surprise … our two weapons are fear and surprise—and ruthless efficiency … our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope … our four … no … Amongst our weapons—amongst our weaponry—are such elements as fear, surprise … I'll come in again.
Graham Chapman and John Cleese

No sex, please—we're British.
Anthony Marriott and Alistair Foot

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here [the AA meeting] because the court made me come.
Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: [screams and jumps through the window]
The Simpsons

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
George Best

This is why we can't have nice things …
Author unidentified

Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.
The Simpsons

Student 1: Do you think most students on campus are heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual?
Student 2: I think most students are autosexual.
Author unidentified

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it…and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, Who knows?
Mitch Hedberg

[Homer is eating from a bag of flour]
Marge: Oh honey, don’t eat that. Wouldn’t you rather have your sugar bag?
Homer: No. I don’t deserve sugar.
The Simpsons

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
Dr. Strangelove movie

Asok: Alice, do you have any valuable career advice?
Alice: Work so hard that it destroys your health and crowds out any chance of having a personal life.
Asok: Wouldn't that make me … unhappy?
Alice: You didn't ask for happiness advice.
Scott Adams, Dilbert Cartoon 2012-12-06

lockdown, n. Middle-class people hiding while working-class people bring them things.
Author unidentified, referring to the 2020/2021 pandemic lockdown

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there.
The Simpsons

Why are you the way that you are?
The Office

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish, he'd stay away.
William Mearns

Plant Counselor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!
Plant Counselor: They prefer the Sunshine State.
The Simpsons

Don't wait till your deathbed to tell people how you feel. Tell them to fuck off now.
Author unidentified

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo inglés.'
Ronnie Shakes

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
Garrison Keillor

I ain't reading all that. I'm happy for you, though. Or, sorry that happened.
Author unidentified (paraphrase of popular meme)

I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.
Author unidentified

Am I working at my regular capacity? No. But am I prioritizing and taking care of the most important tasks? No. But am I at least taking care of myself and my mental health? Also no.
Popular Tweet by Elizabeth Teng

Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny: Huh. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.
The Simpsons


To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash

He would grab me in his arms, hold me close—and tell me how wonderful he was.
Shelley Winters, of her ex-husband Vittorio Gassman

Husbands are not adults. They are people who pay for things but are still somehow burdens.
Family Guy


Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person hypocrisy begins. We parry and fend the approach of our fellow man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs. We cover up our thought from him under a hundred folds.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't like hypocrisy, but I fear a world without it. As long as it continues to exist, it means that standards continue to exist. You can only have hypocrisy when you have standards.
Dennis Prager

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Last updated: December 2, 2022