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Cool Quotes - D


Dancing begets warmth, which is the parent of wantonness. It is, Sir, the great grandfather of cuckoldom.
Henry Fielding

Music and dancing (the more's the pity) have become so closely associated with ideas of riot and debauchery among the less cultivated classes, that a taste for them, for their own sakes, can hardly be said to exist, and before they can be recommended as innocent or safe amusements, a very great change of ideas must take place.
John Herschel

Custom has made dancing sometimes necessary for a young man; therefore mind it while you learn it, that you may learn to do it well, and not be ridiculous, though in a ridiculous act.
Philip Dormer Stanhope, 4th Earl Chesterfield

Listen, sister. I don't dance and I can't take time out now to learn.
Frank W. Wead

There are those who dance to the rhythm that is played to them, those who only dance to their own rhythm, and those who don't dance at all.
José Bergamín

How inimitably graceful children are in general before they learn to dance!
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Mr. Lincoln at least you're a man of honor. You said you wanted to dance with me in the worst way, and I must say that you've kept your word. That's the worst way I've ever seen.
Lamar Trotti and John Ford


Here be dragons.
Author unidentified

Dark Ages

The dark cloud, which had been cleared by the Phoenician discoveries, and finally dispelled by the arms of Caesar, again settled on the shores of the Atlantic, and a Roman province [Britain] was again lost among the fabulous Islands of the Ocean.
Edward Gibbon


Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! (Carpe diem, quàm minimùm credula postero.)

Deadpan Humor

Ginsberg's Theorem:
  1. You can't win.
  2. You can't break even.
  3. You can't even quit the game.
Author unidentified

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
Stephen Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" . . . What's my mother going to do?
Stephen Wright

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
The Simpsons

Boy, life takes a long time to live.
Stephen Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Stephen Wright

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

The other day I . . . uh, no, that wasn't me.
Stephen Wright

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Stephen Wright

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Stephen Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Stephen Wright

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Author unidentified

It is illegal to make liquor privately or water publicly.
Lord Birkett

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Author unidentified

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.
Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.
Joseph Heller

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Author unidentified

Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Author unidentified

Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Author unidentified

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
Author unidentified

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle -- his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
The Simpsons

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.
Author unidentified

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
The Simpsons

Homer: Trying is just the first step toward failure.
The Simpsons

Grandpa: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
The Simpsons

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
William Safire

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
Stephen Wright

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M. Schulz

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

After handing him a report card filled with F's, the boy asked his father, "Do you think the problem is my heredity or my upbringing?"
Author unidentified

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
Fran Lebowitz

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child . . . eventually.
Steven Wright

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Author unidentified

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keillor

I ask for so little. And boy do I get it.
Dilbert (Scott Adams)

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes

Marge: Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
The Simpsons

Lisa: I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did . . .
Homer: I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.
The Simpsons

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to [himself], "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
George Carlin

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
George Carlin

Lenny: Date night, it's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should have given you that Egyptology book.
The Simpsons

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Author unidentified

Homer: Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.
Marge: You always go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?
The Simpsons

Homer: Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something isn't funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
The Simpsons

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
The Simpsons

Homer: I don't know how you put up with all these kids, Toohey [the daycare director]. If I were you, there'd be a lot of strangled babies.
The Simpsons

Mindy: Homer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Homer: Well, maybe I want to [have sex]. Then I think about Marge and the kids . . . well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling motion] . . .
The Simpsons

Homer: That's a problem for future Homer. Man, I don't envy that guy.
The Simpsons

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Dave Barry

Stress is caused by suppressing the urge to beat the crap out of someone who desperately needs it.
Author unidentified

Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love daddy. Girls make birthday cards with glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives. And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.
The Simpsons

Bart: You don't look like a mom. You look happy.
The Simpsons

Bode: What's up. I'm Bode. Do you surf?
Milhouse: No. My parents took me to Hawaii once, but I was intimidated by the physiques of the local kids. So I just stayed in the hotel room.
Bode: That's cool.
Milhouse: No . . . it's not cool.
The Simpsons

He's a 17-year-old boy . . . He doesn't have any innermost thoughts, and if he did, you wouldn't want to know what they [were] and neither would I.
Andrew Ferguson

Everything's perfect about the past except how it led to the present.
The Simpsons

Lisa: Dad, no! We're trying to conserve energy.
Homer: Lisa, if we start conserving, the environmentalists win.
The Simpsons

I drove [to the airport] like an old man drives through a farmer's market, ignoring all laws of man, nature, and God.
Adam Carolla

[Somehow] free food at the workplace turns everyone into a bear at Yellowstone Park.
Adam Carolla

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
Adam Carolla

Possum played chicken
with a car
Not playing dead now.
Jack Kerouac

For dads, a family vacation is a 24-hour a day baby sitting job.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Breaking news from the Middle East: Bearded men throwing rocks, yelling.
Author unidentified

You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy, which is that love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that it's hanging out with someone who kinda hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.
Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlin

Penny: Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Sheldon: Why would we want to do that? It's called the comfort zone for a reason.
The Big Bang Theory

[The] majority of the girls working there had major emotional problems. And not cries-too-much emotional problems; more like stabs-her-boyfriend-with-a-steak-knife-then-falls-into-a-corner-and-starts-whispering-to-herself emotional problems.
Justin Halpern

In my father's time they hanged you for it [homosexuality]. When I was a lad they put you in prison for it. Now it's legal. I hope I die before they make it compulsory.
Author unidentified

I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

Nut tightening stages: Loose, tight, tighter, very tight, over tight, loose.
Author unidentified

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
Author unidentified

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad choices.
Author unidentified

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother!
Homer: God! Who pays for that wedding?!
The Simpsons

Ralphie: Daddy, how come you're not at work?
Wiggum: How come you're not at school?
Ralphie: My teacher says she's tired of trying.
Wiggum: Yeah, well, so am I, Ralphie, so am I.
The Simpsons

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

Fettuccine Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment . . . the people who live above me are furious!
Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

Anything worth doing has a slight risk of decapitation.
Nick Offerman (when talking about working with a dangerous saw)

Always be yourself . . .
Unless you can be Batman -- then always be Batman.
Author unidentified


The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain, cable from Europe to the Associated Press

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

He was dying all his life.
Hector Berlioz (of Chopin)

It is the duty of a doctor to prolong life and it is not his duty to prolong the act of dying.
Thomas, Lord Horder

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.
Author unidentified

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
1 Corinthians 15:55

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Joseph Stalin

Birth, copulation, and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks.
T. S. Eliot

Nearby, a younger man was nursing a martini and a cigarette, slowly dying by his own hand.
Herb Caen

The wailing of the newborn infant is mingled with the dirge for the dead.

Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago.
H. L. Mencken

We should weep for men at their birth, not at their death.
Baron de Montesquieu

Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.
Benjamin Franklin

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
W. Somerset Maughm

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson

The late F. W. H. Myers used to tell how he asked a man at a dinner table what he thought would happen to him when he died. The man tried to ignore the question, but, on being pressed, replied: "Oh well, I suppose I shall inherit eternal bliss, but I wish you wouldn't talk about such unpleasant subjects."
Bertrand Russell

Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
Tom Stoppard

I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain, of a deceased politician

I have had a number of threatening letters each week, some telling me the actual time and method of my death, and I don't like it.
Winston Churchill, during the partition of Ireland

After death there is nothing.

We begin to die at birth; the end flows from the beginning.
Marcus Manilius

No one wept for the dead, because everyone expected death itself.
Agnolo di Tura

It was a time when only the dead smiled, happy in their peace.
Anna Akhmatova

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Mark Twain

Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not.

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no man lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.
Algernon Charles Swinburne

For dust you are and to dust you will return.
Genesis 3:19

All come from dust, and to dust all return.
Ecclesiastes 3:20

And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.
Ecclesiastes 4:2

Naked a man comes from his mother's womb,
and as he comes, so he departs.
Ecclesiastes 5:15

The King is dead! Long live the King!
Author unidentified

[Sara and I] have parted forever, though my ashes will soon be mingling with hers. I'll have her in mind until thought and memory adjourn, but that is all . . . We were happy together, but all beautiful things must end.
H. L. Mencken

The world is so ordered that we must, in a material sense, lose everything we have and love, one thing after another, until we ourselves close our eyes.
George Santayana

There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.
Brendan Behan

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry

He was released from the miseries of life . . .
Edward Gibbon

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov

Death is not the worst than can happen to men.

[Pyrrhus] grieved greatly over the death of Aeropus; not so much because he was dead, for that, he said, was the common lot of mankind, but because he himself had delayed repaying him a kindness until it was too late. Debts of money, he said, can be paid to the heirs of a creditor, but men of honour are grieved at not being able to return a kindness during the lifetime of their benefactor.

[They] were leveled in the grave . . .
Edward Gibbon

[The] groans of the dying excited only the envy of their surviving friends.
Mariana de Rebus Hispanicis

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure.
St. Paul, 2 Timothy 4:6

As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.
Leonardo da Vinci

Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life.
Bertolt Brecht

I guess that's how death works. It doesn't matter if we're ready or not. It just happens.
Randy K. Milholland

Of human life, the most glorious or humble prospects are alike and soon bounded by the sepulchre.
Edward Gibbon

Nothing in his life
Became him like the leaving it.
William Shakespeare

Stronger by weakness, wiser men become,
As they draw near to their eternal home.
Edmund Waller

Death is nothing; but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If a man comes to kill you, rise early and kill him first.
The Talmud

Death takes no bribes.
Benjamin Franklin

Death, be not proud . . .
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die.
John Donne

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there.
Samuel Halpern


Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Author unidentified


It's the easiest Thing in the World for a Man to deceive himself.
Author unidentified

Who has deceiv'd thee so oft as they self?
Author unidentified


Make a decision, even if it's wrong.
Jarvis Klem


Let them grumble, that is how it is going to be (Ainsi sera, groigne qui groinge).
Margaret of Austria (phrase made famous by Anne Boleyn, who learned it from Margaret)


A delay is better than a disaster.
Author unidentified


Deliberation, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary


Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -- and both commonly succeed and are right.
H. L. Mencken

Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary.
Reinhold Niebuhr

Democracy is a kingless regime infested by many kings who are sometimes more exclusive, tyrannical, and destructive than one, if he be a tyrant.
Benito Mussolini

It has been said that Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
Winston Churchill

Democracy is . . . a form of religion; it is the worship of jackals by jackasses.
H. L. Mencken

Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
George Bernard Shaw

High hopes were once formed of democracy; but democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
Oscar Wilde

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
H. L. Mencken

Under a democratical government, the citizens exercise the powers of sovereignty; and those powers will be first abused, and afterwards lost, if they are committed to an unwieldy multitude.
Edward Gibbon

Remember, democracy never lasts long. It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself. There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.
John Adams

But a wild democracy . . . too often disdains the essential principles of justice.
Edward Gibbon

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time.
E. B. White

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
Bertrand Russell

You can be right or you can be popular. And we live in a democracy.
Walter O'Brien


I belong to no organized party -- I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

The Democratic Party is like a mule -- without pride of ancestry or hope of posterity.
Emory Speer

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.
Will Stanton

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.
Will Stanton

My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.
P. J. O'Rourke


Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.
Dodie Smith

Depression manifests itself in a lack of will.
Richard Brookhiser

Some lawns have all the cheer of old cemeteries.
Richard Brookhiser


Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.
William Shakespeare


I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Ecclesiastes 1:14

[Job's] wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"
Job 2:9

Never despair; but if you do, work on in despair.
Attributed to Edmund Burke

Despair is a sin.
Author unidentified


The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.
Henry David Thoreau

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.
James Thurber

A horse! a horse! my kingdom for a horse!
William Shakespeare


A nation ignorant of the equal benefits of liberty and law, must be awed by the flashes of arbitrary power: the cruelty of a despot will assume the character of justice; his profusion, of liberality; his obstinacy, of firmness.
Edward Gibbon


Despotism is unjust to everybody, including the despot, who was probably made for better things.
Oscar Wilde

The progress of despotism tends to disappoint its own purpose.
Edward Gibbon


Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
William Jennings Bryan


To build may have to be the slow and laborious task of years. To destroy can be the thoughtless act of a single day.
Winston Churchill


Our life is frittered away by detail . . . Simplify, simplify!
Henry David Thoreau

It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.
John Wooden

Great engines turn on small pivots.
English proverb


Detroit's political leadership is a parasite that has outgrown its host.
Kevin D. Williamson


Dictators ride to and for on tigers from which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry.
Winston Churchill


[The] difference of language, dress, and manners . . . severs and alienates the nations of the globe.
Edward Gibbon


When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
Will Rogers


I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
Camillo Di Cavour


If we don't change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going.
Chinese Proverb


When you start off by telling those who disagree with you that they are not merely in error but in sin, how much of a dialogue do you expect?
Thomas Sowell

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
Oscar Wilde


He who spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Proverbs 13:24

[The] LORD disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.
Hebrews 12:6


Content makes poor men rich; Discontent makes rich men poor.
Author unidentified


Disease generally begins that equality which death completes.
Samuel Johnson


What happened at Fort Hood was a tragedy, but I believe it would be an even greater tragedy if our diversity becomes a casualty here.
General George W. Casey Jr.


Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5,000 Gideon Bibles.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.
Peggy Joyce

Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.
Arthur 'Bugs' Baer

I heard from my cat's lawyer today. My cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
Johnny Carson

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman

She cried -- and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Tommy Manville

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Woody Allen

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Johnny Carson

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
John Kenneth Galbraith

You don't know a woman till you've met her in court.
Norman Mailer

Alimony, n. The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
H. L. Mencken

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
Rita Rudner

Passion, interest, or caprice, suggested daily motives for the dissolution of marriage; a word, a sign, a message, a letter, the mandate of a freedman, declared the separation; the most tender of human connections was degraded to a transient society of profit or pleasure.
Edward Gibbon

[The] liberty of divorce does not contribute to happiness and virtue. The facility of separation would destroy all mutual confidence, and inflame every trifling dispute . . .
Edward Gibbon


God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
Benjamin Franklin

Our doctor would never really operate unless it was necessary. He was just that way. If he didn't need the money, he wouldn't lay a hand on you.
Herb Shriner


There's nothing within science per se that says medical researchers must not experiment on human subjects; it is the imposition of ethical dogma that constrains the scientist.
Jonah Goldberg


If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.
Sir Francis Bacon

Doubt is not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
Voltaire (François Marie Arouet)


People who insist on telling their dreams are among the terrors of the breakfast table.
Max Beerbohm

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
J. K. Rowling

Drinking And Drugs

They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.
Old saying

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

An Irish queer: a fellow who prefers women to drink.
Sean O'Faolain

The whole world is about three drinks behind.
Humphrey Bogart

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
Russian Proverb

Uppers are no longer stylish, Methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.
Winston Churchill

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
W. C. Fields

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
Mark Twain

"Mr. Churchill, you are drunk."
"Madame, you are ugly."
"Mr. Churchill, you are extremely drunk!"
"And you, Madame, are extremely ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."
Winston Churchill

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a good time.
Nancy Astor

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.
W. C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
W. C. Fields

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.
Oscar Levant

I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis

One more drink and I'll be under the host.
Dorothy Parker

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
P. J. O'Rourke

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Lily Tomlin

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Robin Williams

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields

A fool who, after plain warning, persists in dosing himself with dangerous drugs should be free to do so, for his death is a benefit to the race in general.
H. L. Mencken

Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
Author unidentified

Drink and be merry, for our time on earth is short, and death lasts forever.

Bacchus hath drowned more men than Neptune.
Thomas Fuller

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
Oscar Levant

[Brendan Behan was] too young to die, but too drunk to live.
Rene MacColl

I only take a drink on two occasions -- when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.
Brendan Behan

To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems.
The Simpsons

[One] must not demand prudence from a man who is never sober.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.
James Thurber

I don't get hangovers. You have to stop drinking to get a hangover.

My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?
Henny Youngman (Attributed)

He that spills the Rum, loses that only; He that drinks it, often loses both that and himself.
Author unidentified

Drink does not drown Care, but waters it, and makes it grow faster.
Author unidentified

Nothing more like a Fool, than a drunken Man.
Author unidentified


I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
Mark Twain


Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "This was their finest hour."
Winston Churchill

Duties are not performed for duties' sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty -- the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.
Mark Twain

Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Mark Twain

[It] is all wrong to preach to the Forgotten Man that it is his duty to go and remedy other people's neglect. It is not his duty. . . . The exhortations ought to be expended on the negligent -- that they take care of themselves.
William Graham Sumner


The long habit of living indisposeth us for dying.
Thomas Browne

The dying man doesn't struggle much and he isn't much afraid. As his alkalies give out he succumbs to a blest stupidity. His mind fogs. His will power vanishes. He submits decently. He scarcely gives a damn.
H. L. Mencken

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
Oscar Wilde, Last words as he lay dying in a drab Paris hotel room

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Last updated: November 13, 2017